Annexation of Texas Illegal Say Experts

Louisiana purchase and Alaska acquisition also under scrutiny

by Steve Cook

As controversy rages in the minds of Barack Obama and his advisors over the alleged illegality of the Crimea referendum, lawyers in Moscow representing a large Russian country are claiming that the US annexation of Texas in 1845 may not have been entirely legal either.

In Crimea, over 80% of its population recently voted to join Russia rather than remain part of the Ukraine after Washington democratically helped freedom-loving neo-Nazis and shady Oligarchs and gangsters take over in Kiev, the Ukrainian capital. The Russian Parliament will then take orders from Vladimir Putin concerning whether to accept the Crimea application to join. This event looks fairly certain to occur and will be the first time in quite a while that anyone asked to join the Russian Empire – as opposed to trying to leave. It represents quite an upturn in Russian fortunes, a happy event ably assisted by the able minds, necromancers and Satan-worshippers who rule the Great Evil Empire to the West.

However, western sources are claiming that such a move would be illegal under international laws that Washington makes up as it goes along and which are specifically designed to prevent citizens, ordinary people and other riffraff getting their own way.

Yet lawyers representing the mysterious large Russian country, which wishes at this stage to remain anonymous, are claiming that the Annexation of Texas may also be illegal. Texas was seized from Mexico in 1845. Although no referendum was held at the time, it was however said to be a response to the will of the vast majority of Texans that they wanted to join the young but rapidly growing American Empire and had “nothing to do with” the territorial and political ambitions of the then-lame-duck President Tyler.

Sources close to the White House, responding to claims that the two situations are remarkably similar and illegal or not illegal depending on which side you are on, issued a terse: “Oh no they are not.”

“Oh yes they are” the mysterious large Russian country responded, to which the White House issued a press release stating: “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

International law was introduced as a measure to obviate anarchy and war among nations. Under its terms, countries do whatever they think best then claim what they are doing is perfectly legal whilst claiming what other countries are doing is illegal. Once countries have agreed to disagree over what is legal or illegal, they then settle their differences through an arbitration process known as “armed conflict”, in which their leaders kill millions of people who were minding their own business. The one who kills the most people or succeeds in laying waste to the entire planet is declared the winner and, ipso facto, legal.

In a further development, legal moves have been started to examine the legality or otherwise of the US acquisitions of Alaska in 1867 and Louisiana in 1803, with many claiming that Vladimir Putin would have had a more legal claim to Crimea if he has simply bought the deeds from whoever the owner is at, say, 10 roubles per acre.

Government to Clamp Down on Layabouts and Scroungers

by Steve Cook

The Secretary for Unemployment, Slim Pickings, today announced to a hushed and largely servile press conference a shock u-turn in the government’s traditional policy on benefits and handouts to people who refuse to work.

He explained that the government’s strategy for economic recovery, once hailed as a “veritable Titanic of fiduciary wisdom” is to be abandoned.  This policy is predicated on the scientific theory that if you reward people for not working by giving them billions of dollars everything will be all right. While many say that two hundred years is not long enough to test any policy and a couple of thousand would be more appropriate in that it gives plenty of time for a miracle to occur and the natural laws of the universe to spontaneously change, the government is having second thoughts.

The about-turn is believed by some to have been catalysed by a series of relatively minor events such as a declaration of independence by Texas and food riots in Chevy Chase, Maryland but the government cites the latest research that uncovered a previously hidden economic principle: that the wealth of a nation is somehow linked to producing goods and services and not, as previously thought, saddling producers with large amounts of tax and debt.

Surprising as the discovery may have been, the government nevertheless acted with customary speed to spare its citizens unnecessary hardship, taking only a hundred and fifty years to affect the necessary course changes. Mr Pickings explained that the previous policy had “on reflection proven a bit disappointing if you are, as are some in government, in favour of everyone not getting poorer (except the recipients of the aforementioned billions anyway).”

The allied theory espoused by the Attila The Economist school of economics, that putting criminals in charge of the entire money supply will result in a fair and prosperous economy, is also now thrown in doubt although its proponents claim that an economy that actually works is just around the corner. The “corner” in this case is thought to be as mere three hundred years.

Pickings further explained that whilst a charitable stance towards the democratic rights of needy and deprived sectors of the community has been a matter of justifiable pride for politicians, congressional committees, lobbyists and other ordinary Americans, there are now serious doubts as to whether supplying money on demand to “scroungers and layabouts” has been an entirely good idea.

According to the latest report entitled “Discovering the Friggin’ Obvious” a serious drawback of the scheme, in which millions of blank checks were donated to worthy causes such as the IMS (International Money Speculators Benevolent Fund) and Help the Aged Rothschild, has come to light: economists noticed that it operated in the manner of a vacuum cleaner that hoovered all the money out of people’s wallets and deposited it in the bank accounts of twelve needy families living in deprived areas such as the Seychelles, Cayman Islands and Israel. The twelve families cannot be named at this time for security reasons but are thought to be living in large houses and on a diet of caviar and cocaine at the tax payers’ expense.

“After giving the scheme two hundred years to prove its worth and encouraged by armed uprisings in which millions of middle class revolutionaries left angry comments on Facebook and had to be calmed down by midnight visits from goodwill squads of armed NSA counsellors, we have decided that enough might at this stage be enough.” Mr Pickings announced. “Henceforth, it will be government policy not to hand over money willy nilly to people no-questions-asked just because they threaten to collapse the economy or blackmail the President into starting World War Three.”

It is expected that new criteria will be established, which must be met before anyone is handed all the money in the Treasury. Primary among these will be a solemn promise to keep the economy from collapsing and keeping us all in a state of preparedness for war without actually starting one – at least not a really big one as small ones are thought to be more environmentally friendly.

Many organisations dedicated to protecting the right of anyone with pots of cash to get hold of even more believe that this may bring real hardship to hard-pressed families with private armies and expensive politicians to support. It may force them to tighten their belts and abandon the vital necessities they have so long enjoyed at public expense, such as fortified penthouses and the natural resources of Africa.

But the government is unrepentant, pointing out that encouraging indolence has virtually institutionalised some families and made them intractably dependent on handouts and unable to stand on their own two feet.

One family for instance, the Rockercenters of New York, have just entered the Guinness Book of Records for having not produced anything of value to man or beast for two hundred unbroken generations stretching back to the time of the Pharaoh Aakheperre Pasebakhenniut I. Yet a visit to any one of their three hundred and twenty nine hovels scattered across the Northern hemisphere reveals that they have nevertheless enjoyed a lavish lifestyle at public expense, raising large unruly families whose children grow up to worship Satan or enter criminal careers such as politics, banking and corporate piracy.

The so-called “Boat People” is another case in point. These families are forced to live crowded into luxury yachts anchored offshore from squalid shanties in such hellholes as Mantauk, Fort Lauderdale and Monaco. However, things are destined to become a lot worse for this deprived sub-class as the government cuts the purse strings and casts them adrift to fend for themselves without any useful skills apart from shovelling money about.

Mr Pickings also pointed out that forcing truckloads of money on people without requiring them to earn it is not doing them any favours. The recipients of handouts invariably suffer low self-esteem and can been seen congregating in desultory gangs around politicians, casinos such as the New York Stock Exchange and crime hotspots such as Capitol Hill.

Many suffer from mental illnesses such as CGD (Compulsive Genocide Disorder) which has reached epidemic proportions among people whose bank balance has reached ten times their brain cell count. They then throw money at groups of similarly mentally ill people who form cults such as one known as “The Psychiatrists” who believe that the human brain has evolved over billions of years into needing drugs to make it work properly and that everybody (except psychiatrists) is completely mad.

Another cult formed by CGD sufferers is that of Gill Bates, the one-time founder of the MicroVirus Corporation, and his wife Vampira. The Bates are thought by police to be extremely unhinged, as evinced by their avowed intent to kill five billion people. This naturally encourages the nation’s scroungers to throw their handouts at them just for a laugh or on the basis that finding something useful to do has a serious drawback in that it requires from the outset an interest in doing something useful. To be fair though, the Bates do not propose killing anybody along racist or sexist lines and are relatively non-discriminatory. 

Said by many to be the most stupid people in the world, they are founders of a cult known as the New Ghoul Movement. Supported by thousands of people who don’t mind being culled by vaccines containing ocelot spit and plutonium – and indeed can be quite enthusiastic about the whole idea of enlightened genocide if Bates says it is a Good Thing - the movement advocates solving all the world’s problems by killing everybody (except Gill and Vampira Bates, Henry Kissinger and anyone with the surname Rothschild).

Others among these co-called scroungers and parasites, with no worthwhile purpose in life except spending their handouts, form gangs and crime syndicates with names like “The Illuminati” the “The Bilderbergers” or “The Council on Foreign Relations” which then while away their idle hours playing war games with real countries or Russian Roulette with the food chain. It is believed though that many are becoming hooked on video games involving drones operated from laptops on the shores of the Potomac, with points scored by killing so-called “people” in Pakistan.

These proliferating gangs bring terror to various once-respectable neighbourhoods, which quickly descend into lawlessness and crime. One gang, known as “The Zionists”, recently took over a neighbourhood known as Palestine, rendered it a no-go area for anyone with common sense by building a wall around it and renamed it Israel.

Others have descended into drugs trafficking, bankrolling gangs known colloquially as “The Manufacturers”. These gangs command an army of pushers known as “The Doctors” and will stop at nothing to extend their evil empires, targeting children as young as 5 by pretending they have a made-up illness called ADHD and then offering them drugs that will “make them feel a lot better the way heroin does” or simply “really cool like all their friends and parents.”

The government is proposing to build “resettlement camps” into which all such scroungers and professional non-producers can be rounded up, persuaded to hand back all their money to the three hundred million or so people from which it was stolen, retrained in useful skills such as carpentry and flower arranging and put through a rehabilitation programme that will gradually reacquaint them with the human race.

Either that or they will be culled, a measure that many believe will completely restore the fortunes of the human race.

A Seasonal Message from your Emperor

Greetings Minions!

At this time of year, the winter solstice, it is incumbent upon all of us to reflect upon the message of great spiritual leaders such as Jesus Christ and other pinko liberal troublemakers and, for some us, to congratulate ourselves on how far we have come since those bad old days when the idea that we should all be nice to one another was first insinuated into the affairs of men.

It was of course a jolly nice idea if you like that sort of thing but not very practicable. Scientists have since proven that being nice to people is actually impossible, at least for those of us charged by higher authorities, such as ourselves or the voices in our heads, with running the planet.

By “running the planet” I do of course mean “milking it” as the two terms as we all know are virtually synonymous.

But far be it from me to discourage your valiant efforts to be nice to each other, kind to animals, turn the other cheek and so forth. Indeed I’m all for it, especially the turning the other cheek bit, to which one could perhaps add being meek and mild because, let’s face it, I would not be where I am today if you did not.

Of course, turning the other cheek is an admirable quality in any minion, especially if it incorporates turning a blind eye as well. And I would greatly appreciate it if you could include in your meekness and mildness doing as you are told, paying your taxes and not kicking up too much of a fuss about the odd war, the occasional salutary brush with poverty, eating chemicals, being irradiated and other mild inconveniences because these are as you know essential to the basic human rights of multinational corporations to make pots of money.

And make pots of money they have! So rejoice! Be duly gratified that my friends, such as Lucifer Beelzebub III, CEO of Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals and President N. Slaver of the Hoaks and Fleece Debt Emporium, would like me to extend to you on their behalf their sincere thanks for your cooperation in making this another bumper year.

And what a great year we have in store for you!

Our first treat will be to usher in a golden age of mass drugging. For the small minority of a few thousand million ingrates who are a bit unhappy about the way things are going, my message to you is “don’t worry!” Mass drugging is now only a short distance away and when that relentlessly happy day dawns, none of you will be able to worry about anything ever again!

And if you are concerned that being pumped full of chemicals might in a mere ninety percent of cases cause the loss of all ability to feel (or, indeed, think - and sometimes chew as well) please bear in mind that this is but a small price for you to pay for my peace of mind.

I mean, stop being selfish for a moment and consider for once what it has been like for me trying to run this shambolic planet full of people who insist on all manner of luxuries such as not being killed or having minds of their own?

Consider too the inconveniences I contend with on a daily basis, such as having to operate in secret or through proxies, living out my days in a fortified penthouse and so on for fear of mindless extremists such a citizens taking exception to destruction of the environment, the drugging of their children or the occasional paroxysm of mass slaughter and other economic necessities.

Imagine the daily terror that is my lot of being found out and strung up from the nearest lamp post by a mob of human rights activists, parents and other lunatics.

After all, we can’t all be rich and powerful or have the rest of humanity cowed into slavery can we? It is just a stroke of luck that God has chosen me to be rich and powerful and in charge of the cowing and the rest of you to be . . . er, not. It is a scientific fact that slavery is the only economic system that works for me and if it works for me it is ruddy well going to work for you too, albeit our respective roles in the great scheme of global dominion might be a tad different.

All this is but a small price for you to pay for the New World Order I would like to prevail upon you to accept. And by prevail upon I mean, of course, "force."

In the meantime, until my psychiatrists can get to you with the happy pills or perchance whip out a slice of the offending grey matter by way of a scalpel, my message to you, dear herd is, "don't panic."

Well, actually I would like you to panic a bit as my newspapers and media arms have been instructing you because there is the small matter of mass inoculation, the close cousin of mass drugging and mass poisoning, for you to consider. You are going to need to buy up stockpiles of the flu vaccine Grimm Reaper ripped - er, sold - the government a few years back during a previous pandemic. This was the Bird Flu pandemic that my former area manager, President Bush, promised (calmly so as not to cause a panic) in 2005 that millions of Americans would die from.

In the end the numbers fell well short of Bush's prediction, which even I and my Director of Mass Culling, Gill Bates (who, being an expert in computer software is clearly thus an expert in everything else),quite frankly, thought was overly optimistic. As it turned out, a mere 257 people worldwide have died from Bird Flu since 2003 but who could predict that all the money invested in germ warfare laboratories would yield such poor results?

A rather disappointing pandemic that. The upshot of it is that Grimm Reaper and their area distribution networks (sometimes inaccurately referred to as "government health services") were lumbered with massive stockpiles of unused vaccine. These stockpiles are now reaching the end of their shelf life so, waste not, want not, we need you to panic and get yourself inoculated as soon and unquestioningly as possible. And I urge you not to be put off by the fact that the vaccines contain lark’s vomit and antifreeze. The latter in particular is well known for its health benefits and is known to have saved the lives of millions of automobile radiators the world over (except warm countries).

On the other hand, don't overdo the panic. Just throw reason to the winds long enough to let us jab something in your arms without feeling compelled to ask silly questions like "is it safe?" or "does it have any side effects?". I don't want you worrying your empty noggins about such trifles because the wheels of our asylum - I mean civilization – do need to keep turning and so forth. And keeping them turning is no small task. As you may have noticed, it requires a great deal of sweat, blood and tears on your part. So put your backs into it.

This is the season for you to think about increasing your charitable donations to worthy causes such as the “Save Our Oligarchy Fund”, “Alms for the Rich”, and Gill and Vampira Bates’ LUCKY ( “Let Us Completely Kill You”) Foundation. With that in mind, I need you to go on taking out the loans and paying off the interest by taking out more loans, electing lunatics to high office, taking your medication and pulverising whatever misbegotten population my regional managers point you at.

I mean, where would Rome have been had its slaves all gone around objecting to small inconveniences such as not having any rights, being nailed to trees, being set alight for entertainment purposes and so forth, instead of getting on with cleaning the toilets, polishing the amphora, servicing their mistresses, providing matinees in the Coliseum, carrying rich criminals on their backs and other essential tasks? Eh? With that sort of behaviour Rome might have declined and fallen.

Good! So no more than a Level 3 panic if you please.

In case you are not sure what a Level 3 panic is exactly, I'm having my propaganda arm, the Daily Scare, Daily Wetyourself and the Armageddon Monitor issue a new Panic Scale so everyone will know where they stand (or keel over) panic-wise.

It will make the press' job of getting across the exact amount of panic required much easier and help avoid any misunderstandings.

For instance, the current level of panic required is level 3 as you will recall, if you were paying attention, I just mentioned. Unfortunately due to shortcomings in the press that will see heads roll if certain so-called journalists and editors do not buck up their ideas, the response from the Great Unwashed has often of late fallen woefully short of the level of panic required, often reaching no more than a Level 2 panic.

Let me be perfectly clear about this: Level 2 does not allow fortunes to be made from selling specious solutions to a public blinded by terror. Level 2 is for getting the public to victimise hand-picked minorities or elect complete idiots to government.

The scale will ascend through five levels as follows:

• Level Zero. Apathy rising to Quiet Desperation. Public in normal state.
• Level One. Sense of Foreboding or Vague Threat. Public should take note there might well be a problem but the problem is in another country. People might die but these are all foreigners so that’s not so bad.
• Level Two. Really Worried or Sense of Immanent Doom. The problem has reached our shores. Scientists are looking into it and government has it under control so everyone should start preparing for Armageddon.
• Level Three. Loose Bladder. Public buy lots of newspapers and is prepared to imbibe whatever chemical or fib government dishes out as remedy. Stockpiles of old chemicals or fibs left over from the last real or imaginary threat/pandemic/environmental disaster/terrorist attack/war/meltdown(social, emotional, economic or nuclear) are opened up and the dust brushed off. Government and Pharmaceutical manufacturers therefore claim to have laid "contingency plans" and manage to look smart.
• Level Four. Brown trousers. Public will accept inoculation/drugging/war/stupidity even though these remedies will kill more of them than the disease/enemy/stupidity/imaginary threat they purport to defend against.
• Level 5. Headless Chicken. Area management loses control. Looting starts and, worse, various disreputable types start ransacking MacDonalds to see if they can find any food in it. Cops kitted out like Stars Wars storm troopers start ransacking civilians. The entire populations of Chicago and other disaster areas are thrown in jail. Surfing the internet becomes a mental illness. The entire money supply of the nation is discovered to have been imaginary, having ceased to exist in any real sense in 1699. Millions of Americans go on Facebook and ask for their Constitution back. Satan comes out of his hiding place inside the President. I'm forced to deploy draconian measures to bring the herd back under control. Trust me, you don't want to go there . . .

And, in case you were wondering, this is the scale of PANIC required. It is completely different from other scales such as the scale of DISEASE, which runs from minor health problems (for example malaria [only 3,000 deaths a day worldwide], drug side-effects, radiation poisoning etc) right up to full-on pandemics which are really scary by virtue of starting with “pan” instead of “epi” (for example Bird Flu that claimed a staggering 256 deaths in only 6 years!).

I hope you have all got that straight in your skulls. Just trot along and take your shots and nobody will get hurt. I'll probably order management to make it mandatory in any case and who in their right mind will object to that while we are having our mass nervous breakdown?

With a bit of luck we might even be able to get a war going into the bargain.

A happy 2014 to one and all!

Well, me anyway.

Steve Cook is the author of the sci fi spoof "Genghis Kant." and other books. Find his books and free articles here

Government to Borrow Money to Get Out of Debt

by Steve Cook

The government today announced that it is “completely stumped” and unable to explain how the nation ended up with twice as much debt as there is actual money in existence.

However, a spokescretin, for the Treasury, Mr Sloe Deathby-Tax pointed out that this particular cloud in the overcast heavens does have a silver lining in that Great Britain is in fact doing a lot better than the United States, which has around three times as much debt as money.

“It is something about which everyone in these Sceptic Isles can feel justly smug.” he said.

The revelations were timed to coincide with the launch of a new initiative for tackling Britain’s mountain of debt. The Treasury has proudly announced revolutionary plans to follow the revolutionary plans of every country in Europe and “borrow lots more money” so as to get the nation out of debt.

The government is optimistic that this strategy, unlike the other 142 exact same times it has been tried before, will probably work so long as the natural laws of the universe are suspended for a while.

But just in case it doesn’t work (or as some experts put it: certainly won’t) contingency plans are in place. Central to these plans is the revolutionary new idea of persuading America to have another war and then helping her out by playing a key supporting role such as doing as we are told, making the sandwiches and so forth.

While this won’t work either and will undoubtedly have the opposite effect of getting us deeper into debt, it does have the virtue of keeping millions of people’s minds off the inevitable bankruptcy proceedings and the arrival of bankers to confiscate the national infrastructure.

Global Shortage Threatens the Economy

by Steve Cook

The government was left reeling with shock today, its plans for economic recovery in tatters, with the discovery of a global shortage of ruthless dictators.

The ruthless dictator scarcity looks set to hit the economy of the United States the hardest, as it relies on a regular supply of demented megalomaniacs to keep the wheels of industry turning.

The British Secretary for Peace-loving Invasions, Joe Stalin (92) explained to an ashen-faced press gathering this morning:

“After endless minutes of research by dedicated researchers at the US-based CIA (Center for International Anarchy) it has been proven that the only workable basis ever found for economic vitality in an open democracy is laying waste to the planet. This natural resource, known as “war” in its pure form, is in increasingly short of supply as the world runs low on reserves of people willing to slaughter one another for no good reason. For dredging up that scarce resource, we rely on a good portion of the planet being managed by sociopathic loonies of our choosing.”

Reportedly the US feels particularly hurt and let down by Iran’s refusal to bow to international pressure and build nuclear weapons or even pretend that it is despite being told to by the US and by the stubborn refusal of President Assad in Syria to frighten everybody by being guilty of something he didn’t do.

With these set-backs, it is said, goes the West’s hope of a swift end to the crisis.

Without the help and reliable ill will of such economic partners, major domestic industries that produce commodities vital for the maintenance of a civilised standard of living for the shareholders of peace-loving multinational corporations everywhere, such as tanks, land mines and exploding vests, will grind to a halt.

Western nations may be forced to resort to make-work industries turning out frivolous products such as shoes and spoons for people who don’t really deserve them in order to keep billions of people in work.

Meanwhile, fringe scientists are developing alternative technologies that is hoped will stave off the end of civilization as we know it. Many are claiming that controversial developments that convert human energy into land husbandry, not blowing things (or people) up or even not drugging everyone into a stupor may be the answer. But such proposals are regarded by as being unscientific in that they violate basic physics as such as the Law of Conservation of Wealth, Every Hostile Action has an Equal and Opposite High Explosive Device and other fundamentals of the universe. Their proponents are consequently dismissed as crackpots by the Society for Building Lots of Missiles, the Napalm and Sulphur Gas Foundation, Mossad and other not-at-all-demented people.

The news, though, is dire for the US subsidiary, Great Britain. Leaders of our beloved Constitutional Democracy fear that deliveries of munitions and high explosives to the Middle East and the Third World will grind to a halt and that the Banking Sector will be hit hard by a lack of people borrowing money to rebuild cities democratically demolished by said high explosives. Moreover, it is feared that a shortage of ruthless dictators will deny the British government the right to strut about the planet looking really hard armed only with the American war machine.

The largest domestic employer in the US also announced it may have to lay off millions of workers. The Homeland Security conglomerate, which employs 149 million otherwise unemployable people in 246 intelligence agencies (the so-called “3 letter” agencies such as the CIA, FBI, NSA, KGB, PMS, OTT, QED, AAA, LBJ and RSS) may have to lay off most of its work-force. This in turn will produce a downward pressure on wages in other sectors such as private detectives, private security firms, psychiatrists, PTSD drug manufacturers, bounty hunters, whistleblowers and memoir-writers.

A memorandum leaked in Washington suggests that the US, right out of ideas, is looking to other, as yet untried avenues to make up for the threat of a catastrophic outbreak of not invading anybody.

With the discovery by the Hubble telescope of life on the fourth planet orbiting the nearby star Proxima Centauri, the world’s first interstellar ship, the Armageddon, is hurriedly being kitted out and a forty-thousand-man crew trained for the nine hundred year voyage to “establish peaceful relations with our interstellar neighbours.”

Its cargo of torpedoes, space-to-ground strategic missiles (the so-called “smug” bomb) and high-orbit bombers are said to be “just a precaution” in case the inhabitants of the new planet take exception to the good will mission walking off with their natural resources

Digital Carnage under Threat Say Experts

A government spokesperson has predicted that World War Three will be fought and won from a laptop in a bedsit in Melton Mowbray.

This follows an earlier report in www.telegrapaph.co.uk/news on 9/1/13 in which the Commons Defence Committee warned a shocked and armchair-bound nation that, “The armed forces are now so dependent on information technology that their ability to operate could be ‘fatally compromised’ by a sustained cyber attack.”

The committee had decided to believe evidence that entire combat units, such as aircraft and warships, could be rendered completely dysfunctional by a cyber attack. In such an attack an enemy, operating from a laptop in a terrorist stronghold such as the Eastern Hemisphere, Southern Hemisphere (except Tasmania) or Melton Mowbray could penetrate radar or satellites to create a "deceptive picture" in the military command structure (which has never had one of those before) while the increased use of unmanned drones and battlefield robots potentially add to the vulnerability.

Accordingly, experts are currently watching the Star Wars prequels and old episodes of “Dr Who and the Cybermen” for tips on how to counter this threat.

This is reportedly the culmination of the Defence Ministry’s long and often bloody struggle to liberate taxpayers’ money from the clutches of the Education Department, Health Ministry and other terrorist organisations – the so-called War on Not Having Lots of Money.

A key strategy of this long and arduous campaign is winning the hearts and minds of people who might otherwise have frittered away millions of pounds on food, shoes and their mortgages. Vital to making that “hearts and minds” strategy a success has been to deploy a tactic the experts are calling “frightening the bejeezus out of everybody by inventing yet another invisible lurking menace.”

Earlier invisible lurking red herrings such as Satan and Communism have proven a disappointment that hardly justified the expense of creating them or even burning heretics. Indeed, they inexplicably and embarrassingly expired (except Satan) just when everyone had been told they were going to take over the world.

The currently fashionable invisible lurking menaces such as the flu, mental illness, the weather and terrorism have also failed to live up to the hopes of many people in government and other crime syndicates, on account of completely failing to kill enough people despite all the help they have been given.

The Ministry of Warmongering’s Department of Scaremongering has done its best in recent years with scant resources but these projects have largely failed and Britons - unlike the Americans whose military spending has ensured no-one is safe - have been deprived of the terror and sense of foreboding that is their birthright.

Cases in point are Saddam Hussein, who completely forgot to have any Weapons of Mass Destruction and Osama Bin Liner who went and died twenty years before he became an international celebrity running a global terror network armed only with a beard and CIA funding. Both completely neglected to live up to all the advertising done on their behalf across the Western World and other hotbeds of sedition.

Currently, Iran has also let a lot of people down by refusing to build any nuclear weapons despite being told to by America and this has completely ruined Israel’s plans to have the US turn Iran into a car park for its tanks and similar weapons of peace.

The advent of unmanned drones controlled by a Nintendo Gameboy from a condominium on the shores of the Potomac in Washington DC and thoroughly tested on bus queues and wedding parties across Pakistan and similar military testing sites, has shown a great deal of promise.

These drones hold out the hope of a great saving on military spending by allowing the government to avoid the cost of drugging its soldiers.

The recent incident in which a drone headed for Pakistan blew a circuit and chased a Morris Minor for ten miles along the M6 in Shropshire is no cause for concern says the Ministry for Hysteria. The Morris Minor in question escaped unharmed when the drone veered off and proceeded to strafe Leamington Spa instead. In the ensuing carnage no-one important was killed before the crisis was brought to a swift end when an operative at the GCHQ centre near Cheltenham managed to press ctrl-alt-delete in the nick of time.

The Ministry spokesperson said that the government can assure in no uncertain terms anyone who harbours the deluded notion that military weapons are dangerous that this is probably untrue. Modern weapons are entirely fuelled by Mendacity a propellant well known for its power to galvanise inanimate object such as presidents as well as fully biodegradable plutonium. Thus, according to scientifically drafted press releases, they are 100% safe – unless you are the person they are pointed at or anyone within a five mile radius of the target. But then anyone foolish enough to be an innocent bystander is just asking for trouble.

Yet this promising development in the campaign to have carnage and mayhem fully automated is now threatened by the efforts of The Enemy to develop software designed to spoil everybody’s fun.

The identity of The Enemy is thus far a secret and must remain completely fabricated for security reasons. It will remain so at least until someone real can be found to first annoy and then sell weapons to.

Whoever it possibly is or might turn out to probably be, they are certain according to my sources to be (a) invisible (b) lurking and (c) funded by the CIA.

However, some sources are warning that we can expect a full-on cyber attack “sooner rather than later” or even “eventually” and that hordes of computer nerds armed with battle-ready iPods are at this very moment massing on our borders.

The country will be therefore be placed on a war footing, or indeed thin ice, and the Ministry of Information plans to get the whole population into the spirit of things (mainly fear) by following successful actions first deployed in World War Two , such as plastering the country with posters bearing such legends as “Keep Calm and Carry on Doing Nothing” and “Careless Posting on Facebook Costs Lives” with stiff penalties such as public blogging for people who betray their country by suggesting we should try not to kill anybody – something which is known to be impossible in any case.

Meanwhile, researchers commissioned by the military are working flat out to develop revolutionary new technology to counter the threat to freedom occasioned by the swiftly developing cyber threat. These new advanced strategies will include:

• Banning cyber threats.
• Fining anyone who googles the location of our military installations or nuclear submarines.
• Blowing up Google.
• Having troops equipped with paper and pens – and having schools teach children how to spell or write.
• Having the military cease to issue battle orders by text or email.
• Demanding that troops on the battlefield have their mobiles switched off.
• Introducing the telephone.
• Training all military personnel in how to look out of the window to find out what is going on.
• Re-introducing shouting.

Related News:

Making cyber threats, hacking and starting wars are not mental illnesses say psychiatrists, whereas being shy, childish or active are symptoms of being completely deranged . . .See page 109

Latest surveys reveal that people don’t mind being blown up if it’s in a good cause. See p. 11

The police are hunting the people responsible for the latest botched assassination attempt on the Prime Minister. Seeking a motive for the attack, the spotlight of suspicion has fallen upon factions disgruntled with government policy. Police therefore wish to interview 64 million suspects. See page 10004

Steve Cook is the author of "Genghis Kant", "The Cutter Files" and other books, humorous or otherwise. 

Democracy Inadequately Labelled Scientists Warn

by Steve Cook

Researchers at the Joseph Goebbels Institute in Waffle in the Mire were recently commissioned by the government to investigate complaints from voters and other minority consumer groups that many products under the label “Democracy” in fact contain many harmful additives.

Such additives include: the artificial sweetener FIBS, genetically modified fascism (GMF), CMS (cloned media sound bites), behaviour modifiers such as PED (public education and drugs), elements classified as pure junk such as the infamous PTSRSGPRs (Pharmaceutical Test Results, Statistics and Government Press Releases) plus an ingredient known as psychiatry, which is lethal even in small doses.
Pressure groups are now demanding that warning labels be appended to all politicians along the lines of “Believing this man can seriously damage your reality” or "Accepting my platitudes can get you killed" and that all governments should come with a full list of side effects.

Studies have shown that the aforementioned additives and impurities can produce a range of serious and unpleasant side effects that can render any government a danger to the public. These include the following sociological dysfunctions, compulsions and recognised psychiatric disorders:

• Loss of impulse control
• Loss of common sense
• Aggression (such as the War on Terror, the War on Not Drugging People, the War on Organic Farming etc.)
• Psychotic episodes (usually triggered by an adverse reaction to opinion polls)
• Violent rampages (usually directed at small countries)
• Suicidal ideation (usually marked by efforts to start World War Three)
• Inability to uphold the constitution (or read it)
• Inability to uphold anything
• Justice disorder (such as mistaking bombing people for justice or mistaking the justice system for justice)
• Obsession with blowing people up
• MIC (Military Industrial Complex)
• Paranoia - disorders such as CIA, NSA, KGB and FVS (fear of voters syndrome) that include among their symptoms a tendency to view democracy as a threat to democracy or freedom of expression as a threat to free speech.
• Hallucinations (such as Al Qaeda)
• Profligacy Disorder (the urge to throw money at futile endeavours such as balancing the budget or fooling all of the people all of the time.)
• Kleptomania (taking other people’s property and/or natural resources without their permission)
• Economics Disorder- inability to understand economics.
• Shopaholia (the urge to waste other people’s money on frivolous baubles such as tanks, missiles, aircraft carriers)
• Promiscuity (a heightened urge to bend over for rapacious vested interests and lobbyists)
• Substance Abuse (addiction to radioactive chemicals, nerve gases, vaccines and other dangerous substances.)
• Narcissism (obsession with looking good in the media)
• OCL (Obsessive-Compulsive Lying)
• OCS (Obsessive-Compulsive Snooping)
• Eugenicomania (obsession with culling other people)
• Bipolar disorder (tendency to say one thing whilst thinking something else entirely.)

But the proposed labelling system remains controversial.


Proponents claim that clearly telling people what democracy contains will help people know what is in it, whilst opponents of the scheme, speaking through their spokesmuppet, Janet Leak-Smother said:

“Only a very tiny minority of a few hundred million people see any point in knowing what is going. That kind of extremism has no place in a modern democracy.”


Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.”