Dick Cheney is not mentally ill, shock

Psychiatric experts have today revealed that they can find no evidence that Dick Cheney and his cohorts in the so-called “Gang of Loons” elite terrorist organisation are suffering from a mental disorder. 

These controversial findings come as something of a surprise to millions of people who had strongly suspected that Cheney & Co were in fact completely demented after they had decided to embrace an innovative program of inserting things into men’s bottoms or playing them medleys of Kylie Minogue hits at 300 decibels for 3 weeks on the trot in order to uphold and defend justice and civilised values.  

Affiliated to the Al Cabala organisation thought to be responsible for 9/11 and the hijacking of Ukraine and several other countries, the gang were recently exposed for what has been described as a systematic program of humanitarian torture not at all similar to the sadistic varieties of torture carried out by oppressive regimes such as Saudi Arabia and Israel. One of the main differences is known to be that the gang’s methods were called “enhanced interrogation” rather than mere “torture”, which is what bad people do. 

The interrogation of suspects is mainly enhanced by the introduction of pain for brief periods no longer than a decade or two or, conversely, the introduction of a few cleverly crafted questions such as “go on, admit it, you’re a terrorist, aren’t you?” into protracted periods of pain, whichever way you want to look at it. It works in tandem with other innovative techniques known as “enhanced policing”  and the popular “enhanced truth” whereby millions of people are made to suffer by having things called “fibs” inserted into them by devices such as “the press” or making them watch ingeniously rigged news broadcasts involving carefully trained operatives emitting streams of disturbing propaganda from their rectums.

The program has been hailed as a complete success. Although it produced no actual useful intelligence it has produced a number of confessions by “suspects” to a number of atrocities, enabling investigators to at last close the file on such mysteries as the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the Irish Potato Famine and the theft of George Bush’ IQ. It also had the added virtue of providing career opportunities for people with a talent for sadism, which is known to be a lifestyle choice rather than a personality disorder.

But outcry from a misguided public and similar minorities who hold to the mistaken belief that their country – in a complete break with centuries of tradition - should not be run by psychopaths (something believed by psychopaths the world over to be impossible in any case) has caused psychiatrists to search through their diagnostic manual, the DSM, to find out whether the behaviour of the aforementioned “enhanced interrogators” is covered by any of the 1,993 mental illnesses listed there.  In so doing, the psychiatric community reluctantly bowed to a great deal of unfair pressure from people with all manner of anti-torture prejudices.  Most psychiatrists were much too busy drugging the elderly or the nation’s children or marketing the new “Prenatal Depression” disorder to bother with attaching the stigma of mental illness to innocent rich businessmen and political stooges.

In the end, Dr Wantme Hedexamind, director of the Brain-U-Like psychiatric institute based in Druggem Arizona, said: “The problem with the uneducated pubic is that they tend to jump to unwarranted conclusions. A long history of unvaryingly demented behaviour is no reason to suspect the presence of a mental disorder. By that logic, we’d be locking up politicians, media moguls and the heads of large corporations left right and centre, leaving hardly anyone to run the planet except do-gooders who want to be nice to people and not blow anything up - and that has been scientifically proven to be completely impossible. But in the interests of not damaging the public’s confidence in psychiatry any more than it has been already, we decided to have a flick through the DSM to see what we could come up with.”

Dr Hedexamind then went on to declare that: “There is no evidence that Mr Cheney and the other co-torturers – I mean, enhanced interrogators – is suffering from any disorder known to psychiatry. Inserting things into people, breaking their legs, making them curl up inside small buckets or breathe water and other therapeutic techniques are simply not listed and therefore do not qualify as symptoms of mental illness. Our list of mental illnesses is, as you know, quite extensive, with treatment in the form of drugs now available for such crippling disorders as childhood (Infantile Disorder), boredom (Ennui Disorder), wearing odd socks (Odd Sock Disorder), oversleeping in the morning (Tardive Superslumbria) or talking with your mouth full (Oral Surfeit Disorder), but nowhere can we find listed normal behaviour such as inflicting pain in the name of democracy. There is the common ailment known as sadism but this isn’t really a mental illness, more a hobby, and in any case doesn’t apply to governments or psychiatry. Sadism after all is the inflicting of pain for the sake of it, whereas the government (or psychiatry) has been inflicting pain for political reasons such as being right out of other ideas and, occasionally, fun. In any case it’s just the sort of things that governments do when run by people not at all creepy or mad.”

The Institute also looked for any evidence that admitting the most cruel and heinous acts without the slightest remorse and with the avowed willingness to do it again even though it serves no useful purpose except help start World War Three, might itself be evidence the person is a teensy weensy bit unhinged. Again, it found no evidence and concluded that such behaviour comes with the territory when you are a Vice President or self-elected leader of the Free World.

There are no plans to extend the list of mental illness in the DSM to include such things as torture, blowing up civilians with drones, locking people up without access to justice, warmongering, manufacturing or selling – or using – weapons of mass destruction, graft, genocide or similar perfectly reasonable pastimes.

“Besides,” explained Dr Hedexamind, “we are more worried about real threats to our peace of mind such as people not being drugged. Therefore we are too busy extending the DSM to include such newly discovered mental disorders as prenatal depression, love of cats and writing distempered Facebook posts about the government and we’ve run out of paper.

Related News
  • “I’d do it all again at the drop of the hat.” Says Adolf Hitler. (see page 12). 
  • Economists in Britain guarantee new strategy of human sacrifice will restore productivity “What could possibly go wrong?” says Chancellor (page 55). 
  • Obama, Cameron confident new alliance with Satan will defeat forces of evil (page 666).

9/11: New Evidence Exonerates US Government

An investigation by FIB  the US government’s completely unbiased “Federal Investigation Branch – motto: “The truth and everything but the truth” - has uncovered shock new evidence that conclusively proves the real reasons for the collapse of the Twin Towers and the third World Trade Centre building on 9/11.

Released today, the FIB report (entitled “What Really Happened on 9/11 and subtitled “We are not lying this time(honest)”) lays to rest all sensible theories about 9/11 – plus the government’s own conspiracy theory that hinged somewhat tenuously upon the notion that on 9/11 all the laws of physics were temporarily suspended.

By a real stroke of luck the new explanation, about which it will soon be rendered by presidential edict completely illegal to argue the toss (even if it had any flaws about which the lunatic fringe such as voters and engineers could argue, which it doesn’t), completely gets the US government and its leading players (Bush, Cheney, Rice  et al – the so-called Gang of Loons) right off the hook.

The FIB, during its two and a half days of painstakingly sifting through all the evidence that was not accidentally incinerated in a fire that broke out in Dick Cheney’s fireplace, examined the official version of the events on 9/11. That version was based on a mountain of scientifically crafted press releases and evidence presented by highly qualified journalists with degrees in grammar and cookery.  In the face of a veritable storm of common sense maliciously circulated by scientists, architects, engineers, pilots and thousands of such people not really qualified to have an opinion, the government’s version maintained that:
  • The most devastating and sophisticated attack on the US since Pearl Harbour or the introduction of income tax was masterminded by a slightly dim bloke with a beard from his hideout in a cave in nearby Afghanistan
  • The hijacking of several large airliners was smoothly carried out by a team of drug-crazed mental health patients heavily armed with cheese knives who had been extensively trained for several days in advanced flying techniques in a Sopwith Camel on the Kamikaze Airstrip in Warmongrin Illinois.
  • The Twin Towers collapsed at freefall speeds neatly into their own footprints when all their supporting steel beams throughout 147 storeys vaporised in unison after being burned by jet fuel in fires that reached almost half the melting point of steel.
  • The WT4 building next door collapsed after the curtains caught fire, having been unluckily decked with curtains that burned at the melting point of steel and were even able to melt steel on floors far below where they were burning.
  • The resemblance of these collapses to controlled demolitions, whilst identical in every respect to controlled demolitions, was purely coincidental. After examining all the evidence and receiving testimony from 21 000 architects, engineers, firemen and other unreliable witnesses, the “controlled demolition” theory was dismissed as being unpatriotic because it pointed the finger of suspicion at many people above suspicion, such as the CIA, Mossad, politicians and Dick Cheney. Evidence by another 1900 witnesses that they heard rapid series of explosions exactly like controlled demolition explosions was dismissed on the grounds that the witnesses were experiencing mass hallucinations brought on by being caught up in a very large controlled demolition.
  • The ease with which the buildings – purportedly designed specifically to survive having several large aircraft ram into them - was put down to the flimsy nature of their construction and the use of inferior steel that unbeknownst to anybody was able to ignore the laws of physics and vaporise at just above the ignition temperature of cardboard.
  • The large passenger jet that slammed into the Pentagon and left a hole much smaller than itself also vaporised leaving no trace.
  • The traces of military-grade thermalite, the only substance other than a nuclear explosion known to be able to vaporise steel and melt concrete, that was found all over Ground Zero, got there when it accidentally fell off the back of a passing thermalite delivery van that had stopped in the underground car park so its driver could use the WTC WC.

This official account of events, described as completely plausible by such authorities as its authors, George Bush and at least a dozen other people the world over, can be found in the fiction section of the Library of Congress. Hailed by many as the greatest spoof ever written it has received less than rave reviews from some quarters and a great deal of raving from others. Hailed by the Times Literary Supplement as the “stupidest farrago of abject nonsense in the history of the world” it has been bedevilled by the fact that a small number of people have been unable to get their heads around the elaborate scientific explanations so patiently detailed in such reliable sources as the Washington Fibber and Armageddon Monitor. As a result, a small minority of sceptics comprising 1 in 3 Americans and 9 in 10 of the rest of the world have held the view that the American government might have been lying, which is really unfair when you think about it and it really hurt George Bush’s feelings.

Fortunately, the latest report is able to present at last a completely plausible and watertight explanation as to how the three WTC buildings were brought down so easily and how the Pentagon was hit by an invisible plane that left no trace. It is an explanation that should now end the debate once and for all.

To quote the report: “It is now clear and controvertible that the tragedy of 9/11 was not brought about by an elaborately planned False Flag involving insiders and explosives experts, nor by a chance concatenation of physically impossible events as the evidence suggests. What is abundantly clear here is that what was at work on 9/11 was a hitherto unsuspected influence: magic. The United States was the victim of an act of war perpetrated by wizards who hate us despite us never being anything but nice to everybody and not democratically bombing anyone who didn’t have it coming. They are believed to be Muslim or at least heavily bearded and very close friends with Vladimir Putin.”

Related News: government announces start of war on magic. Penn and Teller carpet bombed.147 people in same supermarket as David Copperfield killed in drone strike. David Copperfield escapes unhurt. “Nothing could possibly go wrong and it will all be over by 2319.” says spokesman for US Intelligence . . .

It’s official: nine out of ten terrorists are dead jealous

Most of us struggle in vain to comprehend the motives behind the inexplicable dislike of Britain and America shared by people all across the Middle East (and the Far East, Near East, East Anglia and several neighbouring planets).

It smacks, of course, of ingratitude after all we have done for them in bringing them the benefits of peace, democracy and the miracles of genetically modified politicians - not to mention relieving them of the burden of natural resources which they never deserved to have in the first place.

But ingratitude, while it can be a powerful and often beneficial motivator, is only part of the story. 

Psychiatrists claim they have identified an errant gene possessed by everybody that causes a mental illness scientifically labelled ABSOD (Aversion to Being Shat On Disorder) a close cousin of FOBSAD (Fear of Being Shot Aversion Disorder) which manifests as an unreasoning and hysterical reaction to being culled or having a family member democratically run over by a tank. The cure is thought to be giving lots of money to pharmaceutical companies, a well-known panacea that is scientifically proven to replace all known made-up mental disorders with a chemical derangement of the brain – as well as helping the major shareholders of pharmaceutical companies recover from ARS (Aversion to not being Rich Syndrome).

But does this psychiatric theory really explain this phenomenon despite the minutes of painstaking mental effort that went into making it up? As psychiatric theory is not really so much about making sense of a troubled world as drugging people so they’ll think the demented planet they are living on is normal, it seems unlikely.

There is also the theory that all Muslims are genetically predisposed to being terrorists at the slightest flimsy excuse such as having a few peace-loving cruise missiles gate-crash their weddings, their front doors democratically kicked in by storm troopers or their mosques playfully demolished. This is thought to be a genetic phenomenon similar to the one that makes Western politicians and news syndicates incapable of lying and many ordinary westerners incapable of disbelieving anything they say.

But this gene theory might be cast ever so slightly in doubt by a small but significant anomaly that sees a tiny minority of no more than 98% of Muslims having never actually done anything more aggressive than shake their fist at the TV during a CNN news broadcast.  

There is also the possibility that Muslims may turn out in fact to be human beings who don’t like being invaded and are not terrorists by nature any more than Westerners are all tank drivers, arms manufacturers or heavily armed mercenaries who spend their time shooting up the suburbs of Middle Eastern cities.

However, Western policy makers are quick to pour scorn on that idea, pointing to surveys that prove conclusively that 80% of all Muslims quite like being invaded and are happy to be shot at if it is for Democracy and don’t mind having their religious beliefs insulted either. This just goes to show that you have to be careful about jumping to reasonable conclusions because you can use evidence to disprove almost anything false.
So what then is the true source of this bizarre and inexplicable attitude towards the kindest and most blameless nations on the planet? It took one of America’s greatest and most astute statesmen, George Bush, to finally point us all in the right direction. In his famous “speech-in-a-cowboy-hat” at Warmongin Nebraska, entitled “Lucky for You We Were Here”, he revealed something the rest of us had completely overlooked: that “the folks of them there foreign countries is jealous of our way of life and all its many benefications such as, er . . .  me.”

When you look at it, it seems that Bush may have hit the nail on the head. We are after all blessed with the most highly evolved form of government in the history of the universe in which our democratically elected leaders govern on behalf of the people – if you define “The People” as Multi National Corporations and other grass roots criminal organisations. We do enjoy many other benefications too such as highly evolved brain washing, expanding illiteracy, flexible constitutions, freedom from deeply held beliefs, the ability to drug our children, chips (both micro and potato) a healthy sense of our own mortality and the futility of existence, food free from nutrition and other additives plus a host of new and interesting glandular disorders.

We have many things that people all over the world sincerely wish they had: their natural resources for one thing and advanced techniques for waging wars that are conveniently situated on other people’s territory for another.  But we also have many other benefits that accrue to those at the pinnacle of human social evolution: game shows; pesticides; the deep spirituality of TV Evangelism (America) and Sunday Shopping (UK); the freedom to leave all thinking to a person or persons unknown; the right to elect people we know are complete twats, the advantages of being able to drug our children . . . the list just goes on and on.

In all fairness, we have tried very hard to export these benefits to the rest of the planet but do we get any thanks for it? It appears not. Even our generous export of high-interest loans and high explosives has not generated the paroxysms of gratitude we might reasonably expect.

Could it be then that envy of how great we are is what drives half the planet to look on us with, at best, scorn and at worst a deeply rooted hatred that spurs them to take up the arms we sold them and which they bought with the loans our philanthropic banks so generously donated at magnanimously high rates of interest and use them against us? Could it be jealousy that prompts people to shoot back? Was World War Two in fact fought because we (and not just our governments) were jealous of the Nazis?

We put it to the test. We carried out surveys that were scientifically designed not to produce a predetermined result that backs up any fibs we might be telling – and we’re not even lying about that one. Amazingly our completely unbiased and not at all rigged surveys produced results that prove beyond any reasoned argument or need for real evidence that public opinion all across the Middle East completely justifies our messing people about until the entire planet is run by George Soros from an oxygen tent in a luxury fallout shelter on the shores of the Potomac.

Staggeringly, our surveys show that of the people who have taken up arms against the freedom-loving West (and other lands where people walk around with their hearts filled with the warm glow occasioned by an un-abating love of freedom):
  • 35% were totally jealous
  • 30% were green with envy
  • 15% were hoping for more CIA funding

20% don’t know why they did it but it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Steve Cook is the author of the scifi spoof Genghis Kant and other works of variously humorous or annoying works of fiction and non-fiction.

Missing CEO Found!

Missing CEO of Armageddon Inc, Mr Lucifer Beelzebub, whose whereabouts have been unclear for quite some time has reportedly been sighted and is thought to be alive and well and living inside Vladimir Putin.

We may well be seeing the end of a long and harrowing police search for the reclusive yet ubiquitous executive, who is wanted for serious corporate crimes such as creating genetically modified politicians in a number of countries, heading the so-called “New World Order” crime syndicate, inventing banking, socialism and skateboarding. He went on the run in 1945 from his last known lair: a bunker buried deep inside Adolf Hitler. The latest sighting, however, seems to have taken detectives by surprise for they had been concentrating their search on Washington in the belief Mr Beelzebub had been living rough for several years inside Barak Obama.

The trail that led them there had been a convoluted one. It had taken investigators on a merry but ultimately pointless chase across the world. Beelzebub had always managed to stay one step ahead of his pursuers, often laying false trails, either by employing the services of a double or, as is considered more likely, using his unusual ability to be in several places at the same time - or change into a swarm of flies when under pressure
It is thought he may have been helped elude his pursuers by friends in the media underworld such as the likes of Rupert “The Baron” Murdoch who runs the infamous “Washington Fibber” and its sister paper the London Scaremonger. Reports of sightings in Muammar Gadaffi and Bashar Assad may well have been red herrings designed to throw detectives off the scent. Yet a trail that led through Evelyn Rothschild and the entire board of Monsatan and finally to the outskirts of Obama had the NSA’s crack team of exorcists convinced they had all but cornered their prey.

This latest report that Beelezebub has been sighted in faraway Putin is nevertheless being treated seriously, buoyed by such convincing evidence as a sworn statement by Britain’s Prince Charles.

Prince Charles’ eye-witness account that Vladimir Putin is “just like Hitler” in every single respect (except the moustache) came in the form of a confidential report  to Mrs Doris Noggins of Trent at the opening of the town’s new Zimmer Frame showrooms on Gasworks Street. Unfortunately it was intercepted by several thousand TV crews who just happened to be pointing microphones in HRH’s direction at the time. It soon reached NSA investigators via the Evening News and was seized upon as a vital clue, Hitler having been the location of Beelezubub’s last confirmed sighting.

This was subsequently considerably bolstered by an urgent phone call from John McCain, inventor of the oven chip and recently voted “The Most Vacuous Politician in the History of the World” to the NSA’s Rapid Exorcism Response centre in Omen, Missouri.  McCain had been changing regimes in Ukraine when he spotted a man who fit the description of Hitler in several important details, such as having a large army on the Russia border, occupying St Petersburgh and “speaking in tongues” -  in this case Russian. Mr Mc Cain later explained: “I have a large number of friends who are just like Hitler so I’m well qualified to spot the signs.”

His sighting, coupled with Prince Charles’ was all the conclusive evidence the National Séance Agency needed to switch the hunt from Washington to Moscow. A spokesperson for the Whitehouse later issued a statement saying: “The President is pleased with these latest encouraging developments as they get him and his good friends in Monsatan right off the hook.”

A lead investigator for the NSA announced that “as far as we are concerned we now have Lucifer Beelzebub bang to rights and the mystery of his whereabouts is now over. All that remains is to mobilise a small team of some three hundred thousand exorcists armed with Holy Cruise Missiles to expunge his evil influence from the planet and everything from now on will be . . .  er, not at all evil. Our message to Beelzebub is that there is now nowhere for him to hide, at least until the next Presidential elections.”

The fugitive is ranked number three on the NSA’s All-Time Most Wanted list. He ranks just two places below Ed “The Grass” Snowden, winner of its Most Evil Man on the Planet Award and the top prize of a three hundred year holiday in Rendition, Diego Garcia. In the runner-up spot is Joe “The Beard” Iran, wanted for refusing to build nuclear weapons despite being told to on several occasions by John Kerry and thus leaving Israel seriously disturbed.

This article also features in the humor section of The Liberty Beacon UK

Annexation of Texas Illegal Say Experts

Louisiana purchase and Alaska acquisition also under scrutiny

by Steve Cook

As controversy rages in the minds of Barack Obama and his advisors over the alleged illegality of the Crimea referendum, lawyers in Moscow representing a large Russian country are claiming that the US annexation of Texas in 1845 may not have been entirely legal either.

In Crimea, over 80% of its population recently voted to join Russia rather than remain part of the Ukraine after Washington democratically helped freedom-loving neo-Nazis and shady Oligarchs and gangsters take over in Kiev, the Ukrainian capital. The Russian Parliament will then take orders from Vladimir Putin concerning whether to accept the Crimea application to join. This event looks fairly certain to occur and will be the first time in quite a while that anyone asked to join the Russian Empire – as opposed to trying to leave. It represents quite an upturn in Russian fortunes, a happy event ably assisted by the able minds, necromancers and Satan-worshippers who rule the Great Evil Empire to the West.

However, western sources are claiming that such a move would be illegal under international laws that Washington makes up as it goes along and which are specifically designed to prevent citizens, ordinary people and other riffraff getting their own way.

Yet lawyers representing the mysterious large Russian country, which wishes at this stage to remain anonymous, are claiming that the Annexation of Texas may also be illegal. Texas was seized from Mexico in 1845. Although no referendum was held at the time, it was however said to be a response to the will of the vast majority of Texans that they wanted to join the young but rapidly growing American Empire and had “nothing to do with” the territorial and political ambitions of the then-lame-duck President Tyler.

Sources close to the White House, responding to claims that the two situations are remarkably similar and illegal or not illegal depending on which side you are on, issued a terse: “Oh no they are not.”

“Oh yes they are” the mysterious large Russian country responded, to which the White House issued a press release stating: “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

International law was introduced as a measure to obviate anarchy and war among nations. Under its terms, countries do whatever they think best then claim what they are doing is perfectly legal whilst claiming what other countries are doing is illegal. Once countries have agreed to disagree over what is legal or illegal, they then settle their differences through an arbitration process known as “armed conflict”, in which their leaders kill millions of people who were minding their own business. The one who kills the most people or succeeds in laying waste to the entire planet is declared the winner and, ipso facto, legal.

In a further development, legal moves have been started to examine the legality or otherwise of the US acquisitions of Alaska in 1867 and Louisiana in 1803, with many claiming that Vladimir Putin would have had a more legal claim to Crimea if he has simply bought the deeds from whoever the owner is at, say, 10 roubles per acre.

Government to Clamp Down on Layabouts and Scroungers

The Secretary for Unemployment, Slim Pickings, today announced to a hushed and largely servile press conference a shock u-turn in the government’s traditional policy on benefits and handouts to people who refuse to work.

He explained that the government’s strategy for economic recovery, once hailed as a “veritable Titanic of fiduciary wisdom” is to be abandoned.  This policy is predicated on the scientific theory that if you reward people for not working by giving them billions of dollars everything will be all right. While many say that two hundred years is not long enough to test any policy and a couple of thousand would be more appropriate in that it gives plenty of time for a miracle to occur and the natural laws of the universe to spontaneously change, the government is having second thoughts.

The about-turn is believed by some to have been catalysed by a series of relatively minor events such as a declaration of independence by Texas and food riots in Chevy Chase, Maryland but the government cites the latest research that uncovered a previously hidden economic principle: that the wealth of a nation is somehow linked to producing goods and services and not, as previously thought, saddling producers with large amounts of tax and debt.

Surprising as the discovery may have been, the government nevertheless acted with customary speed to spare its citizens unnecessary hardship, taking only a hundred and fifty years to affect the necessary course changes. Mr Pickings explained that the previous policy had “on reflection proven a bit disappointing if you are, as are some in government, in favour of everyone not getting poorer (except the recipients of the aforementioned billions anyway).”

The allied theory espoused by the Attila The Economist school of economics, that putting criminals in charge of the entire money supply will result in a fair and prosperous economy, is also now thrown in doubt although its proponents claim that an economy that actually works is just around the corner. The “corner” in this case is thought to be as mere three hundred years.

Pickings further explained that whilst a charitable stance towards the democratic rights of needy and deprived sectors of the community has been a matter of justifiable pride for politicians, congressional committees, lobbyists and other ordinary Americans, there are now serious doubts as to whether supplying money on demand to “scroungers and layabouts” has been an entirely good idea.

According to the latest report entitled “Discovering the Friggin’ Obvious” a serious drawback of the scheme, in which millions of blank checks were donated to worthy causes such as the IMS (International Money Speculators Benevolent Fund) and Help the Aged Rothschild, has come to light: economists noticed that it operated in the manner of a vacuum cleaner that hoovered all the money out of people’s wallets and deposited it in the bank accounts of twelve needy families living in deprived areas such as the Seychelles, Cayman Islands and Israel. The twelve families cannot be named at this time for security reasons but are thought to be living in large houses and on a diet of caviar and cocaine at the tax payers’ expense.

“After giving the scheme two hundred years to prove its worth and encouraged by armed uprisings in which millions of middle class revolutionaries left angry comments on Facebook and had to be calmed down by midnight visits from goodwill squads of armed NSA counsellors, we have decided that enough might at this stage be enough.” Mr Pickings announced. “Henceforth, it will be government policy not to hand over money willy nilly to people no-questions-asked just because they threaten to collapse the economy or blackmail the President into starting World War Three.”

It is expected that new criteria will be established, which must be met before anyone is handed all the money in the Treasury. Primary among these will be a solemn promise to keep the economy from collapsing and keeping us all in a state of preparedness for war without actually starting one – at least not a really big one as small ones are thought to be more environmentally friendly.

Many organisations dedicated to protecting the right of anyone with pots of cash to get hold of even more believe that this may bring real hardship to hard-pressed families with private armies and expensive politicians to support. It may force them to tighten their belts and abandon the vital necessities they have so long enjoyed at public expense, such as fortified penthouses and the natural resources of Africa.

But the government is unrepentant, pointing out that encouraging indolence has virtually institutionalised some families and made them intractably dependent on handouts and unable to stand on their own two feet.
One family for instance, the Rockercenters of New York, have just entered the Guinness Book of Records for having not produced anything of value to man or beast for two hundred unbroken generations stretching back to the time of the Pharaoh Aakheperre Pasebakhenniut I. Yet a visit to any one of their three hundred and twenty nine hovels scattered across the Northern hemisphere reveals that they have nevertheless enjoyed a lavish lifestyle at public expense, raising large unruly families whose children grow up to worship Satan or enter criminal careers such as politics, banking and corporate piracy.

The so-called “Boat People” is another case in point. These families are forced to live crowded into luxury yachts anchored offshore from squalid shanties in such hellholes as Mantauk, Fort Lauderdale and Monaco. However, things are destined to become a lot worse for this deprived sub-class as the government cuts the purse strings and casts them adrift to fend for themselves without any useful skills apart from shovelling money about.

Mr Pickings also pointed out that forcing truckloads of money on people without requiring them to earn it is not doing them any favours. The recipients of handouts invariably suffer low self-esteem and can been seen congregating in desultory gangs around politicians, casinos such as the New York Stock Exchange and crime hotspots such as Capitol Hill.

Many suffer from mental illnesses such as CGD (Compulsive Genocide Disorder) which has reached epidemic proportions among people whose bank balance has reached ten times their brain cell count. They then throw money at groups of similarly mentally ill people who form cults such as one known as “The Psychiatrists” who believe that the human brain has evolved over billions of years into needing drugs to make it work properly and that everybody (except psychiatrists) is completely mad.

Another cult formed by CGD sufferers is that of Gill Bates, the one-time founder of the MicroVirus Corporation, and his wife Vampira. The Bates are thought by police to be extremely unhinged, as evinced by their avowed intent to kill five billion people. This naturally encourages the nation’s scroungers to throw their handouts at them just for a laugh or on the basis that finding something useful to do has a serious drawback in that it requires from the outset an interest in doing something useful. To be fair though, the Bates do not propose killing anybody along racist or sexist lines and are relatively non-discriminatory. 

Said by many to be the most stupid people in the world, they are founders of a cult known as the New Ghoul Movement. Supported by thousands of people who don’t mind being culled by vaccines containing ocelot spit and plutonium – and indeed can be quite enthusiastic about the whole idea of enlightened genocide if Bates says it is a Good Thing - the movement advocates solving all the world’s problems by killing everybody (except Gill and Vampira Bates, Henry Kissinger and anyone with the surname Rothschild).

Others among these co-called scroungers and parasites, with no worthwhile purpose in life except spending their handouts, form gangs and crime syndicates with names like “The Illuminati” the “The Bilderbergers” or “The Council on Foreign Relations” which then while away their idle hours playing war games with real countries or Russian Roulette with the food chain. It is believed though that many are becoming hooked on video games involving drones operated from laptops on the shores of the Potomac, with points scored by killing so-called “people” in Pakistan.

These proliferating gangs bring terror to various once-respectable neighbourhoods, which quickly descend into lawlessness and crime. One gang, known as “The Zionists”, recently took over a neighbourhood known as Palestine, rendered it a no-go area for anyone with common sense by building a wall around it and renamed it Israel.

Others have descended into drugs trafficking, bankrolling gangs known colloquially as “The Manufacturers”. These gangs command an army of pushers known as “The Doctors” and will stop at nothing to extend their evil empires, targeting children as young as 5 by pretending they have a made-up illness called ADHD and then offering them drugs that will “make them feel a lot better the way heroin does” or simply “really cool like all their friends and parents.”

The government is proposing to build “resettlement camps” into which all such scroungers and professional non-producers can be rounded up, persuaded to hand back all their money to the three hundred million or so people from which it was stolen, retrained in useful skills such as carpentry and flower arranging and put through a rehabilitation programme that will gradually reacquaint them with the human race.

Either that or they will be culled, a measure that many believe will completely restore the fortunes of the human race.

A Seasonal Message from your Emperor

Greetings Minions!

At this time of year, the winter solstice, it is incumbent upon all of us to reflect upon the message of great spiritual leaders such as Jesus Christ and other pinko liberal troublemakers and, for some us, to congratulate ourselves on how far we have come since those bad old days when the idea that we should all be nice to one another was first insinuated into the affairs of men.

It was of course a jolly nice idea if you like that sort of thing but not very practicable. Scientists have since proven that being nice to people is actually impossible, at least for those of us charged by higher authorities, such as ourselves or the voices in our heads, with running the planet.

By “running the planet” I do of course mean “milking it” as the two terms as we all know are virtually synonymous.

But far be it from me to discourage your valiant efforts to be nice to each other, kind to animals, turn the other cheek and so forth. Indeed I’m all for it, especially the turning the other cheek bit, to which one could perhaps add being meek and mild because, let’s face it, I would not be where I am today if you did not.

Of course, turning the other cheek is an admirable quality in any minion, especially if it incorporates turning a blind eye as well. And I would greatly appreciate it if you could include in your meekness and mildness doing as you are told, paying your taxes and not kicking up too much of a fuss about the odd war, the occasional salutary brush with poverty, eating chemicals, being irradiated and other mild inconveniences because these are as you know essential to the basic human rights of multinational corporations to make pots of money.

And make pots of money they have! So rejoice! Be duly gratified that my friends, such as Lucifer Beelzebub III, CEO of Grimm Reaper Pharmaceuticals and President N. Slaver of the Hoaks and Fleece Debt Emporium, would like me to extend to you on their behalf their sincere thanks for your cooperation in making this another bumper year.

And what a great year we have in store for you!

Our first treat will be to usher in a golden age of mass drugging. For the small minority of a few thousand million ingrates who are a bit unhappy about the way things are going, my message to you is “don’t worry!” Mass drugging is now only a short distance away and when that relentlessly happy day dawns, none of you will be able to worry about anything ever again!

And if you are concerned that being pumped full of chemicals might in a mere ninety percent of cases cause the loss of all ability to feel (or, indeed, think - and sometimes chew as well) please bear in mind that this is but a small price for you to pay for my peace of mind.

I mean, stop being selfish for a moment and consider for once what it has been like for me trying to run this shambolic planet full of people who insist on all manner of luxuries such as not being killed or having minds of their own?

Consider too the inconveniences I contend with on a daily basis, such as having to operate in secret or through proxies, living out my days in a fortified penthouse and so on for fear of mindless extremists such a citizens taking exception to destruction of the environment, the drugging of their children or the occasional paroxysm of mass slaughter and other economic necessities.

Imagine the daily terror that is my lot of being found out and strung up from the nearest lamp post by a mob of human rights activists, parents and other lunatics.

After all, we can’t all be rich and powerful or have the rest of humanity cowed into slavery can we? It is just a stroke of luck that God has chosen me to be rich and powerful and in charge of the cowing and the rest of you to be . . . er, not. It is a scientific fact that slavery is the only economic system that works for me and if it works for me it is ruddy well going to work for you too, albeit our respective roles in the great scheme of global dominion might be a tad different.

All this is but a small price for you to pay for the New World Order I would like to prevail upon you to accept. And by prevail upon I mean, of course, "force."

In the meantime, until my psychiatrists can get to you with the happy pills or perchance whip out a slice of the offending grey matter by way of a scalpel, my message to you, dear herd is, "don't panic."

Well, actually I would like you to panic a bit as my newspapers and media arms have been instructing you because there is the small matter of mass inoculation, the close cousin of mass drugging and mass poisoning, for you to consider. You are going to need to buy up stockpiles of the flu vaccine Grimm Reaper ripped - er, sold - the government a few years back during a previous pandemic. This was the Bird Flu pandemic that my former area manager, President Bush, promised (calmly so as not to cause a panic) in 2005 that millions of Americans would die from.

In the end the numbers fell well short of Bush's prediction, which even I and my Director of Mass Culling, Gill Bates (who, being an expert in computer software is clearly thus an expert in everything else),quite frankly, thought was overly optimistic. As it turned out, a mere 257 people worldwide have died from Bird Flu since 2003 but who could predict that all the money invested in germ warfare laboratories would yield such poor results?

A rather disappointing pandemic that. The upshot of it is that Grimm Reaper and their area distribution networks (sometimes inaccurately referred to as "government health services") were lumbered with massive stockpiles of unused vaccine. These stockpiles are now reaching the end of their shelf life so, waste not, want not, we need you to panic and get yourself inoculated as soon and unquestioningly as possible. And I urge you not to be put off by the fact that the vaccines contain lark’s vomit and antifreeze. The latter in particular is well known for its health benefits and is known to have saved the lives of millions of automobile radiators the world over (except warm countries).

On the other hand, don't overdo the panic. Just throw reason to the winds long enough to let us jab something in your arms without feeling compelled to ask silly questions like "is it safe?" or "does it have any side effects?". I don't want you worrying your empty noggins about such trifles because the wheels of our asylum - I mean civilization – do need to keep turning and so forth. And keeping them turning is no small task. As you may have noticed, it requires a great deal of sweat, blood and tears on your part. So put your backs into it.

This is the season for you to think about increasing your charitable donations to worthy causes such as the “Save Our Oligarchy Fund”, “Alms for the Rich”, and Gill and Vampira Bates’ LUCKY ( “Let Us Completely Kill You”) Foundation. With that in mind, I need you to go on taking out the loans and paying off the interest by taking out more loans, electing lunatics to high office, taking your medication and pulverising whatever misbegotten population my regional managers point you at.

I mean, where would Rome have been had its slaves all gone around objecting to small inconveniences such as not having any rights, being nailed to trees, being set alight for entertainment purposes and so forth, instead of getting on with cleaning the toilets, polishing the amphora, servicing their mistresses, providing matinees in the Coliseum, carrying rich criminals on their backs and other essential tasks? Eh? With that sort of behaviour Rome might have declined and fallen.

Good! So no more than a Level 3 panic if you please.

In case you are not sure what a Level 3 panic is exactly, I'm having my propaganda arm, the Daily Scare, Daily Wetyourself and the Armageddon Monitor issue a new Panic Scale so everyone will know where they stand (or keel over) panic-wise.

It will make the press' job of getting across the exact amount of panic required much easier and help avoid any misunderstandings.

For instance, the current level of panic required is level 3 as you will recall, if you were paying attention, I just mentioned. Unfortunately due to shortcomings in the press that will see heads roll if certain so-called journalists and editors do not buck up their ideas, the response from the Great Unwashed has often of late fallen woefully short of the level of panic required, often reaching no more than a Level 2 panic.

Let me be perfectly clear about this: Level 2 does not allow fortunes to be made from selling specious solutions to a public blinded by terror. Level 2 is for getting the public to victimise hand-picked minorities or elect complete idiots to government.

The scale will ascend through five levels as follows:

  • Level Zero. Apathy rising to Quiet Desperation. Public in normal state.
  • Level One. Sense of Foreboding or Vague Threat. Public should take note there might well be a problem but the problem is in another country. People might die but these are all foreigners so that’s not so bad.
  • Level Two. Really Worried or Sense of Immanent Doom. The problem has reached our shores. Scientists are looking into it and government has it under control so everyone should start preparing for Armageddon.
  • Level Three. Loose Bladder. Public buy lots of newspapers and is prepared to imbibe whatever chemical or fib government dishes out as remedy. Stockpiles of old chemicals or fibs left over from the last real or imaginary threat/pandemic/environmental disaster/terrorist attack/war/meltdown(social, emotional, economic or nuclear) are opened up and the dust brushed off. Government and Pharmaceutical manufacturers therefore claim to have laid "contingency plans" and manage to look smart.
  • Level Four. Brown trousers. Public will accept inoculation/drugging/war/stupidity even though these remedies will kill more of them than the disease/enemy/stupidity/imaginary threat they purport to defend against.
  • Level 5. Headless Chicken. Area management loses control. Looting starts and, worse, various disreputable types start ransacking MacDonalds to see if they can find any food in it. Cops kitted out like Stars Wars storm troopers start ransacking civilians. The entire populations of Chicago and other disaster areas are thrown in jail. Surfing the internet becomes a mental illness. The entire money supply of the nation is discovered to have been imaginary, having ceased to exist in any real sense in 1699. Millions of Americans go on Facebook and ask for their Constitution back. Satan comes out of his hiding place inside the President. I'm forced to deploy draconian measures to bring the herd back under control. Trust me, you don't want to go there . . .

And, in case you were wondering, this is the scale of PANIC required. It is completely different from other scales such as the scale of DISEASE, which runs from minor health problems (for example malaria [only 3,000 deaths a day worldwide], drug side-effects, radiation poisoning etc) right up to full-on pandemics which are really scary by virtue of starting with “pan” instead of “epi” (for example Bird Flu that claimed a staggering 256 deaths in only 6 years!).

I hope you have all got that straight in your skulls. Just trot along and take your shots and nobody will get hurt. I'll probably order management to make it mandatory in any case and who in their right mind will object to that while we are having our mass nervous breakdown?

With a bit of luck we might even be able to get a war going into the bargain.

A happy 2014 to one and all!

Well, me anyway.

Steve Cook is the author of the sci fi spoof "Genghis Kant." and other books. Find his books and free articles here