Democracy Inadequately Labelled Scientists Warn

by Steve Cook

Researchers at the Joseph Goebbels Institute in Waffle in the Mire were recently commissioned by the government to investigate complaints from voters and other minority consumer groups that many products under the label “Democracy” in fact contain many harmful additives.

Such additives include: the artificial sweetener FIBS, genetically modified fascism (GMF), CMS (cloned media sound bites), behaviour modifiers such as PED (public education and drugs), elements classified as pure junk such as the infamous PTSRSGPRs (Pharmaceutical Test Results, Statistics and Government Press Releases) plus an ingredient known as psychiatry, which is lethal even in small doses.
Pressure groups are now demanding that warning labels be appended to all politicians along the lines of “Believing this man can seriously damage your reality” or "Accepting my platitudes can get you killed" and that all governments should come with a full list of side effects.

Studies have shown that the aforementioned additives and impurities can produce a range of serious and unpleasant side effects that can render any government a danger to the public. These include the following sociological dysfunctions, compulsions and recognised psychiatric disorders:

  • Loss of impulse control
  • Loss of common sense
  • Aggression (such as the War on Terror, the War on Not Drugging People, the War on Organic Farming etc.)
  • Psychotic episodes (usually triggered by an adverse reaction to opinion polls)
  • Violent rampages (usually directed at small countries)
  • Suicidal ideation (usually marked by efforts to start World War Three)
  • Inability to uphold the constitution (or read it)
  • Inability to uphold anything
  • Justice disorder (such as mistaking bombing people for justice or mistaking the justice system for justice)
  • Obsession with blowing people up
  • MIC (Military Industrial Complex)
  • Paranoia - disorders such as CIA, NSA, KGB and FVS (fear of voters syndrome) that include among their symptoms a tendency to view democracy as a threat to democracy or freedom of expression as a threat to free speech.
  • Hallucinations (such as Al Qaeda)
  • Profligacy Disorder (the urge to throw money at futile endeavours such as balancing the budget or fooling all of the people all of the time.)
  • Kleptomania (taking other people’s property and/or natural resources without their permission)
  • Economics Disorder- inability to understand economics.
  • Shopaholia (the urge to waste other people’s money on frivolous baubles such as tanks, missiles, aircraft carriers)
  • Promiscuity (a heightened urge to bend over for rapacious vested interests and lobbyists)
  • Substance Abuse (addiction to radioactive chemicals, nerve gases, vaccines and other dangerous substances.)
  • Narcissism (obsession with looking good in the media)
  • OCL (Obsessive-Compulsive Lying)
  • OCS (Obsessive-Compulsive Snooping)
  • Eugenicomania (obsession with culling other people)
  • Bipolar disorder (tendency to say one thing whilst thinking something else entirely.)

But the proposed labelling system remains controversial.

Proponents claim that clearly telling people what democracy contains will help people know what is in it, whilst opponents of the scheme, speaking through their spokesmuppet, Janet Leak-Smother said:

“Only a very tiny minority of a few hundred million people see any point in knowing what is going. That kind of extremism has no place in a modern democracy.”

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.”