The Secretary for Unemployment, Slim Pickings, today announced to a hushed and largely servile press conference a shock u-turn in the government’s traditional policy on benefits and handouts to people who refuse to work.
He explained that the government’s strategy for economic recovery, once hailed as a “veritable Titanic of fiduciary wisdom” is to be abandoned. This policy is predicated on the scientific theory that if you reward people for not working by giving them billions of dollars everything will be all right. While many say that two hundred years is not long enough to test any policy and a couple of thousand would be more appropriate in that it gives plenty of time for a miracle to occur and the natural laws of the universe to spontaneously change, the government is having second thoughts.
The about-turn is believed by some to have been catalysed by a series of relatively minor events such as a declaration of independence by Texas and food riots in Chevy Chase, Maryland but the government cites the latest research that uncovered a previously hidden economic principle: that the wealth of a nation is somehow linked to producing goods and services and not, as previously thought, saddling producers with large amounts of tax and debt.
Surprising as the discovery may have been, the government nevertheless acted with customary speed to spare its citizens unnecessary hardship, taking only a hundred and fifty years to affect the necessary course changes. Mr Pickings explained that the previous policy had “on reflection proven a bit disappointing if you are, as are some in government, in favour of everyone not getting poorer (except the recipients of the aforementioned billions anyway).”
The allied theory espoused by the Attila The Economist school of economics, that putting criminals in charge of the entire money supply will result in a fair and prosperous economy, is also now thrown in doubt although its proponents claim that an economy that actually works is just around the corner. The “corner” in this case is thought to be as mere three hundred years.
Pickings further explained that whilst a charitable stance towards the democratic rights of needy and deprived sectors of the community has been a matter of justifiable pride for politicians, congressional committees, lobbyists and other ordinary Americans, there are now serious doubts as to whether supplying money on demand to “scroungers and layabouts” has been an entirely good idea.
According to the latest report entitled “Discovering the Friggin’ Obvious” a serious drawback of the scheme, in which millions of blank checks were donated to worthy causes such as the IMS (International Money Speculators Benevolent Fund) and Help the Aged Rothschild, has come to light: economists noticed that it operated in the manner of a vacuum cleaner that hoovered all the money out of people’s wallets and deposited it in the bank accounts of twelve needy families living in deprived areas such as the Seychelles, Cayman Islands and Israel. The twelve families cannot be named at this time for security reasons but are thought to be living in large houses and on a diet of caviar and cocaine at the tax payers’ expense.
“After giving the scheme two hundred years to prove its worth and encouraged by armed uprisings in which millions of middle class revolutionaries left angry comments on Facebook and had to be calmed down by midnight visits from goodwill squads of armed NSA counsellors, we have decided that enough might at this stage be enough.” Mr Pickings announced. “Henceforth, it will be government policy not to hand over money willy nilly to people no-questions-asked just because they threaten to collapse the economy or blackmail the President into starting World War Three.”
It is expected that new criteria will be established, which must be met before anyone is handed all the money in the Treasury. Primary among these will be a solemn promise to keep the economy from collapsing and keeping us all in a state of preparedness for war without actually starting one – at least not a really big one as small ones are thought to be more environmentally friendly.
Many organisations dedicated to protecting the right of anyone with pots of cash to get hold of even more believe that this may bring real hardship to hard-pressed families with private armies and expensive politicians to support. It may force them to tighten their belts and abandon the vital necessities they have so long enjoyed at public expense, such as fortified penthouses and the natural resources of Africa.
But the government is unrepentant, pointing out that encouraging indolence has virtually institutionalised some families and made them intractably dependent on handouts and unable to stand on their own two feet.
One family for instance, the Rockercenters of New York, have just entered the Guinness Book of Records for having not produced anything of value to man or beast for two hundred unbroken generations stretching back to the time of the Pharaoh Aakheperre Pasebakhenniut I. Yet a visit to any one of their three hundred and twenty nine hovels scattered across the Northern hemisphere reveals that they have nevertheless enjoyed a lavish lifestyle at public expense, raising large unruly families whose children grow up to worship Satan or enter criminal careers such as politics, banking and corporate piracy.
The so-called “Boat People” is another case in point. These families are forced to live crowded into luxury yachts anchored offshore from squalid shanties in such hellholes as Mantauk, Fort Lauderdale and Monaco. However, things are destined to become a lot worse for this deprived sub-class as the government cuts the purse strings and casts them adrift to fend for themselves without any useful skills apart from shovelling money about.
Mr Pickings also pointed out that forcing truckloads of money on people without requiring them to earn it is not doing them any favours. The recipients of handouts invariably suffer low self-esteem and can been seen congregating in desultory gangs around politicians, casinos such as the New York Stock Exchange and crime hotspots such as Capitol Hill.
Many suffer from mental illnesses such as CGD (Compulsive Genocide Disorder) which has reached epidemic proportions among people whose bank balance has reached ten times their brain cell count. They then throw money at groups of similarly mentally ill people who form cults such as one known as “The Psychiatrists” who believe that the human brain has evolved over billions of years into needing drugs to make it work properly and that everybody (except psychiatrists) is completely mad.
Another cult formed by CGD sufferers is that of Gill Bates, the one-time founder of the MicroVirus Corporation, and his wife Vampira. The Bates are thought by police to be extremely unhinged, as evinced by their avowed intent to kill five billion people. This naturally encourages the nation’s scroungers to throw their handouts at them just for a laugh or on the basis that finding something useful to do has a serious drawback in that it requires from the outset an interest in doing something useful. To be fair though, the Bates do not propose killing anybody along racist or sexist lines and are relatively non-discriminatory.
Said by many to be the most stupid people in the world, they are founders of a cult known as the New Ghoul Movement. Supported by thousands of people who don’t mind being culled by vaccines containing ocelot spit and plutonium – and indeed can be quite enthusiastic about the whole idea of enlightened genocide if Bates says it is a Good Thing - the movement advocates solving all the world’s problems by killing everybody (except Gill and Vampira Bates, Henry Kissinger and anyone with the surname Rothschild).
Others among these co-called scroungers and parasites, with no worthwhile purpose in life except spending their handouts, form gangs and crime syndicates with names like “The Illuminati” the “The Bilderbergers” or “The Council on Foreign Relations” which then while away their idle hours playing war games with real countries or Russian Roulette with the food chain. It is believed though that many are becoming hooked on video games involving drones operated from laptops on the shores of the Potomac, with points scored by killing so-called “people” in Pakistan.
These proliferating gangs bring terror to various once-respectable neighbourhoods, which quickly descend into lawlessness and crime. One gang, known as “The Zionists”, recently took over a neighbourhood known as Palestine, rendered it a no-go area for anyone with common sense by building a wall around it and renamed it Israel.
Others have descended into drugs trafficking, bankrolling gangs known colloquially as “The Manufacturers”. These gangs command an army of pushers known as “The Doctors” and will stop at nothing to extend their evil empires, targeting children as young as 5 by pretending they have a made-up illness called ADHD and then offering them drugs that will “make them feel a lot better the way heroin does” or simply “really cool like all their friends and parents.”
The government is proposing to build “resettlement camps” into which all such scroungers and professional non-producers can be rounded up, persuaded to hand back all their money to the three hundred million or so people from which it was stolen, retrained in useful skills such as carpentry and flower arranging and put through a rehabilitation programme that will gradually reacquaint them with the human race.
Either that or they will be culled, a measure that many believe will completely restore the fortunes of the human race.