Missing CEO of Armageddon Inc, Mr Lucifer Beelzebub, whose
whereabouts have been unclear for quite some time has reportedly been sighted
and is thought to be alive and well and living inside Vladimir Putin.
We may well be seeing the end of a long and harrowing police
search for the reclusive yet ubiquitous executive, who is wanted for serious corporate
crimes such as creating genetically modified politicians in a number of
countries, heading the so-called “New World Order” crime syndicate, inventing
banking, socialism and skateboarding. He went on the run in 1945 from his last
known lair: a bunker buried deep inside Adolf Hitler. The latest sighting,
however, seems to have taken detectives by surprise for they had been
concentrating their search on Washington in the belief Mr Beelzebub had been
living rough for several years inside Barak Obama.
The trail that led them there had been a convoluted one. It
had taken investigators on a merry but ultimately pointless chase across the
world. Beelzebub had always managed to stay one step ahead of his pursuers,
often laying false trails, either by employing the services of a double or, as
is considered more likely, using his unusual ability to be in several places at
the same time - or change into a swarm of flies when under pressure
.
It is thought he may have been helped elude his pursuers by
friends in the media underworld such as the likes of Rupert “The Baron” Murdoch
who runs the infamous “Washington Fibber” and its sister paper the London
Scaremonger. Reports of sightings in Muammar Gadaffi and Bashar Assad may well
have been red herrings designed to throw detectives off the scent. Yet a trail
that led through Evelyn Rothschild and the entire board of Monsatan and finally
to the outskirts of Obama had the NSA’s crack team of exorcists convinced they
had all but cornered their prey.
This latest report that Beelezebub has been sighted in faraway
Putin is nevertheless being treated seriously, buoyed by such convincing
evidence as a sworn statement by Britain’s Prince Charles.
Prince Charles’ eye-witness account that Vladimir Putin is
“just like Hitler” in every single respect (except the moustache) came in the
form of a confidential report to Mrs Doris
Noggins of Trent at the opening of the town’s new Zimmer Frame showrooms on Gasworks
Street. Unfortunately it was intercepted by several thousand TV crews who just
happened to be pointing microphones in HRH’s direction at the time. It soon
reached NSA investigators via the Evening News and was seized upon as a vital
clue, Hitler having been the location of Beelezubub’s last confirmed sighting.
This was subsequently considerably bolstered by an urgent phone
call from John McCain, inventor of the oven chip and recently voted “The Most
Vacuous Politician in the History of the World” to the NSA’s Rapid Exorcism Response
centre in Omen, Missouri. McCain had
been changing regimes in Ukraine when he spotted a man who fit the description
of Hitler in several important details, such as having a large army on the
Russia border, occupying St Petersburgh and “speaking in tongues” - in this case Russian. Mr Mc Cain later
explained: “I have a large number of friends who are just like Hitler so I’m
well qualified to spot the signs.”
His sighting, coupled with Prince Charles’ was all the
conclusive evidence the National Séance Agency needed to switch the hunt from
Washington to Moscow. A spokesperson for the Whitehouse later issued a statement
saying: “The President is pleased with these latest encouraging developments as
they get him and his good friends in Monsatan right off the hook.”
A lead investigator for the NSA announced that “as far as we
are concerned we now have Lucifer Beelzebub bang to rights and the mystery of
his whereabouts is now over. All that remains is to mobilise a small team of
some three hundred thousand exorcists armed with Holy Cruise Missiles to
expunge his evil influence from the planet and everything from now on will be .
. . er, not at all evil. Our message to
Beelzebub is that there is now nowhere for him to hide, at least until the next
Presidential elections.”
The fugitive is ranked number three on the NSA’s All-Time Most
Wanted list. He ranks just two places below Ed “The Grass” Snowden, winner of its
Most Evil Man on the Planet Award and the top prize of a three hundred year
holiday in Rendition, Diego Garcia. In the runner-up spot is Joe “The Beard”
Iran, wanted for refusing to build nuclear weapons despite being told to on
several occasions by John Kerry and thus leaving Israel seriously disturbed.
This article also features in the humor section of The Liberty Beacon UK
