Digital Carnage under Threat Say Experts

A government spokesperson has predicted that World War Three will be fought and won from a laptop in a bedsit in Melton Mowbray.

This follows an earlier report in www.telegrapaph.co.uk/news on 9/1/13 in which the Commons Defence Committee warned a shocked and armchair-bound nation that, “The armed forces are now so dependent on information technology that their ability to operate could be ‘fatally compromised’ by a sustained cyber attack.”

The committee had decided to believe evidence that entire combat units, such as aircraft and warships, could be rendered completely dysfunctional by a cyber attack. In such an attack an enemy, operating from a laptop in a terrorist stronghold such as the Eastern Hemisphere, Southern Hemisphere (except Tasmania) or Melton Mowbray could penetrate radar or satellites to create a "deceptive picture" in the military command structure (which has never had one of those before) while the increased use of unmanned drones and battlefield robots potentially add to the vulnerability.

Accordingly, experts are currently watching the Star Wars prequels and old episodes of “Dr Who and the Cybermen” for tips on how to counter this threat.

This is reportedly the culmination of the Defence Ministry’s long and often bloody struggle to liberate taxpayers’ money from the clutches of the Education Department, Health Ministry and other terrorist organisations – the so-called War on Not Having Lots of Money.

A key strategy of this long and arduous campaign is winning the hearts and minds of people who might otherwise have frittered away millions of pounds on food, shoes and their mortgages. Vital to making that “hearts and minds” strategy a success has been to deploy a tactic the experts are calling “frightening the bejeezus out of everybody by inventing yet another invisible lurking menace.”

Earlier invisible lurking red herrings such as Satan and Communism have proven a disappointment that hardly justified the expense of creating them or even burning heretics. Indeed, they inexplicably and embarrassingly expired (except Satan) just when everyone had been told they were going to take over the world.

The currently fashionable invisible lurking menaces such as the flu, mental illness, the weather and terrorism have also failed to live up to the hopes of many people in government and other crime syndicates, on account of completely failing to kill enough people despite all the help they have been given.

The Ministry of Warmongering’s Department of Scaremongering has done its best in recent years with scant resources but these projects have largely failed and Britons - unlike the Americans whose military spending has ensured no-one is safe - have been deprived of the terror and sense of foreboding that is their birthright.

Cases in point are Saddam Hussein, who completely forgot to have any Weapons of Mass Destruction and Osama Bin Liner who went and died twenty years before he became an international celebrity running a global terror network armed only with a beard and CIA funding. Both completely neglected to live up to all the advertising done on their behalf across the Western World and other hotbeds of sedition.

Currently, Iran has also let a lot of people down by refusing to build any nuclear weapons despite being told to by America and this has completely ruined Israel’s plans to have the US turn Iran into a car park for its tanks and similar weapons of peace.

The advent of unmanned drones controlled by a Nintendo Gameboy from a condominium on the shores of the Potomac in Washington DC and thoroughly tested on bus queues and wedding parties across Pakistan and similar military testing sites, has shown a great deal of promise.

These drones hold out the hope of a great saving on military spending by allowing the government to avoid the cost of drugging its soldiers.

The recent incident in which a drone headed for Pakistan blew a circuit and chased a Morris Minor for ten miles along the M6 in Shropshire is no cause for concern says the Ministry for Hysteria. The Morris Minor in question escaped unharmed when the drone veered off and proceeded to strafe Leamington Spa instead. In the ensuing carnage no-one important was killed before the crisis was brought to a swift end when an operative at the GCHQ centre near Cheltenham managed to press ctrl-alt-delete in the nick of time.

The Ministry spokesperson said that the government can assure in no uncertain terms anyone who harbours the deluded notion that military weapons are dangerous that this is probably untrue. Modern weapons are entirely fuelled by Mendacity a propellant well known for its power to galvanise inanimate object such as presidents as well as fully biodegradable plutonium. Thus, according to scientifically drafted press releases, they are 100% safe – unless you are the person they are pointed at or anyone within a five mile radius of the target. But then anyone foolish enough to be an innocent bystander is just asking for trouble.

Yet this promising development in the campaign to have carnage and mayhem fully automated is now threatened by the efforts of The Enemy to develop software designed to spoil everybody’s fun.

The identity of The Enemy is thus far a secret and must remain completely fabricated for security reasons. It will remain so at least until someone real can be found to first annoy and then sell weapons to.

Whoever it possibly is or might turn out to probably be, they are certain according to my sources to be (a) invisible (b) lurking and (c) funded by the CIA.

However, some sources are warning that we can expect a full-on cyber attack “sooner rather than later” or even “eventually” and that hordes of computer nerds armed with battle-ready iPods are at this very moment massing on our borders.

The country will be therefore be placed on a war footing, or indeed thin ice, and the Ministry of Information plans to get the whole population into the spirit of things (mainly fear) by following successful actions first deployed in World War Two , such as plastering the country with posters bearing such legends as “Keep Calm and Carry on Doing Nothing” and “Careless Posting on Facebook Costs Lives” with stiff penalties such as public blogging for people who betray their country by suggesting we should try not to kill anybody – something which is known to be impossible in any case.

Meanwhile, researchers commissioned by the military are working flat out to develop revolutionary new technology to counter the threat to freedom occasioned by the swiftly developing cyber threat. These new advanced strategies will include:

• Banning cyber threats.
• Fining anyone who googles the location of our military installations or nuclear submarines.
• Blowing up Google.
• Having troops equipped with paper and pens – and having schools teach children how to spell or write.
• Having the military cease to issue battle orders by text or email.
• Demanding that troops on the battlefield have their mobiles switched off.
• Introducing the telephone.
• Training all military personnel in how to look out of the window to find out what is going on.
• Re-introducing shouting.

Related News:

Making cyber threats, hacking and starting wars are not mental illnesses say psychiatrists, whereas being shy, childish or active are symptoms of being completely deranged . . .See page 109

Latest surveys reveal that people don’t mind being blown up if it’s in a good cause. See p. 11

The police are hunting the people responsible for the latest botched assassination attempt on the Prime Minister. Seeking a motive for the attack, the spotlight of suspicion has fallen upon factions disgruntled with government policy. Police therefore wish to interview 64 million suspects. See page 10004

Steve Cook is the author of "Genghis Kant", "The Cutter Files" and other books, humorous or otherwise. 

Democracy Inadequately Labelled Scientists Warn

by Steve Cook

Researchers at the Joseph Goebbels Institute in Waffle in the Mire were recently commissioned by the government to investigate complaints from voters and other minority consumer groups that many products under the label “Democracy” in fact contain many harmful additives.

Such additives include: the artificial sweetener FIBS, genetically modified fascism (GMF), CMS (cloned media sound bites), behaviour modifiers such as PED (public education and drugs), elements classified as pure junk such as the infamous PTSRSGPRs (Pharmaceutical Test Results, Statistics and Government Press Releases) plus an ingredient known as psychiatry, which is lethal even in small doses.
Pressure groups are now demanding that warning labels be appended to all politicians along the lines of “Believing this man can seriously damage your reality” or "Accepting my platitudes can get you killed" and that all governments should come with a full list of side effects.

Studies have shown that the aforementioned additives and impurities can produce a range of serious and unpleasant side effects that can render any government a danger to the public. These include the following sociological dysfunctions, compulsions and recognised psychiatric disorders:

• Loss of impulse control
• Loss of common sense
• Aggression (such as the War on Terror, the War on Not Drugging People, the War on Organic Farming etc.)
• Psychotic episodes (usually triggered by an adverse reaction to opinion polls)
• Violent rampages (usually directed at small countries)
• Suicidal ideation (usually marked by efforts to start World War Three)
• Inability to uphold the constitution (or read it)
• Inability to uphold anything
• Justice disorder (such as mistaking bombing people for justice or mistaking the justice system for justice)
• Obsession with blowing people up
• MIC (Military Industrial Complex)
• Paranoia - disorders such as CIA, NSA, KGB and FVS (fear of voters syndrome) that include among their symptoms a tendency to view democracy as a threat to democracy or freedom of expression as a threat to free speech.
• Hallucinations (such as Al Qaeda)
• Profligacy Disorder (the urge to throw money at futile endeavours such as balancing the budget or fooling all of the people all of the time.)
• Kleptomania (taking other people’s property and/or natural resources without their permission)
• Economics Disorder- inability to understand economics.
• Shopaholia (the urge to waste other people’s money on frivolous baubles such as tanks, missiles, aircraft carriers)
• Promiscuity (a heightened urge to bend over for rapacious vested interests and lobbyists)
• Substance Abuse (addiction to radioactive chemicals, nerve gases, vaccines and other dangerous substances.)
• Narcissism (obsession with looking good in the media)
• OCL (Obsessive-Compulsive Lying)
• OCS (Obsessive-Compulsive Snooping)
• Eugenicomania (obsession with culling other people)
• Bipolar disorder (tendency to say one thing whilst thinking something else entirely.)

But the proposed labelling system remains controversial.


Proponents claim that clearly telling people what democracy contains will help people know what is in it, whilst opponents of the scheme, speaking through their spokesmuppet, Janet Leak-Smother said:

“Only a very tiny minority of a few hundred million people see any point in knowing what is going. That kind of extremism has no place in a modern democracy.”


Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.”

Man not Spied on by NSA to Lodge Complaint

Reports are just coming in that a man has been found in Brazil who has not been spied on by the NSA.

The scientific community has been left reeling in shock at the discovery. Thought to be the most amazing revelation since as long ago as this morning, the existence of Amazonian tribal leader Ktesippemay may force us to re-evaluate everything we thought we knew about human history.

It is a revelation on a par with last week’s announcement that researchers discovered the so-called “Barratt Homes” stele deep under the base of the Great Pyramid at Giza or the earlier photo released by NASA of an abandoned Tesco trolley in the Sea of Tranquillity on the Moon (see picture).

But is this just a hoax fabricated by terrorist groups? Are such groups seeking thereby to undermine the NSA’s reputation for thoroughness in harvesting information vital to the insecurity of the entire planet, such as knowing whenever anyone in any hotbed of sedition - such as the Northern Hemisphere, Southern Hemisphere and so on - goes to the loo or eats Brussels Sprouts?

There was only one way to find out and in the hope of meeting the legendary Ktesippemay, this reporter rushed to the darkest depths of the Amazon Rainforest, to a village in Rondônia whose name must be withheld for security reasons.

After a five day trek through the jungle equipped only with a hovercraft, a Black and Decker strimmer  and an ipod, I made my way to a village so remote you cannot even find it on Googlemaps or the A-Z of the Rainforest (2010 edition).

At the end of my journey I came upon a settlement almost completely isolated from civilisation, a huddle of mud huts with stone tools and vintage-1990s surveillance cameras. Yet remarkably, the tiny village manages to survive without modern medicine, vitamin deficiencies or juvenile delinquency, something thought impossible by multinational corporations everywhere.

It was there that I did indeed meet the legendary Ktesippemay and can confirm that he does exist. He is also well miffed.

Indeed, he is close to being traumatised by the experience of being the only man on Earth overlooked by the NSA. Thought to be suffering from a rare psychiatric disorder known as SODS (Spied-on Deficiency Syndrome) the symptoms of which include being invisible to spy satellites and not having a Facebook account, an angry Ktesippemay expressed his intention to call Barak Obama and subject him to verbal abuse until fobbed off by the traditional platitudes and fibs. He fully intends to strongly express his humiliation and hurt as soon as the village has access to the “magic tellingbone”, his word for the ipods, ipads and p-pods all westerners use as a substitute for social interaction.

He explained that as the Head Man of his tribe he demands to be treated with the same disrespect as national leaders across the world. Without it, he finds it difficult if not impossible to hold his head high as the leader of his tribe.

Mr Ktesippemay went on to elaborate that it seriously undermines his credibility in so far as the oversight makes him look like a “right plonker” (loosely translated from the local Maxakalían dialect) and he cannot hope to maintain the respect of his people without the customary mud hut bugging, subdermal implant, gaps in his memory or the presence of a fashionable barcode tattoo just under the hair line.

An ashen-faced spokesperson for the NSA, Janet Leaksmother, issued a statement saying the Agency was at a loss to explain the oversight, especially as every care was taken to be thorough and “leave no human right unturned” in the admittedly pointless quest for eternal dominion over the Earth.

With NSA agents now outnumbering the global population by a ratio of almost two to one, questions are being asked on Capitol Hill as to whether some of the 16 trillion dollar monthly NSA budget may have been frittered away on not reporting to the President what someone is doing.

The President is thought to have reacted furiously when he was told that someone was walking around without his knowledge and his security staff are worried that an unwatched Mr Ktesippemay could at any moment and without warning have chucked a spear through the living room window of the Whitehouse.

The NSA meanwhile is at pains to reassure the public that despite this remarkable lapse in vigilance, its efforts to have the movements or non-movements of everyone monitored by nerds in Washington have produced a “rich harvest of intelligence information”.

They cite the discovery, a culmination of many years of dedicated effort, of the remarkable fact that most of the world’s population does not, for some reason, like the American government. This astoundingly truculent attitude prevails despite its strenuous efforts to be really popular through the export of high explosives, teaching world leaders how to sing from the same song sheet, vastly expanding the car parking space in cities across the Middle East, deposing despots installed by the CIA and many other humanitarian efforts.

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.” 

WARNING - GLOBAL DIMMING

I noticed yesterday morning whilst doing the washing up that I had to switch the light on as the room was so dark!

My research into this alarming phenomenon has revealed that scientists are warning about a brand new threat to be terrified about.

It is called Global Dimming and is every bit as frightening as globalwarmingcooling.

We are all familiar with Global Warmingcooling. We've been bombarded with lots of helpully alarming unverifiable reports on that, verifying beyond doubt that the Earth is bothing warming up and cooling dopwn at the same time, but the media are gleefully reassuring us that the Global Dimming craze is MUCH WORSE.

Apparently the world is getting dimmer and not just in America but EVERYWHERE.

Global Dimming is caused by all the solar panels that have been erected by irresponsible people all over the world. According to experts these panels soak up the sunlight and cause the planet to get darker and darker. In response to this new threat the government will be issuing all citizens with miners' helmets with lamps on them so they can see where they are going.

There are fears though that if the Earth gets too dark, passing space ships will not be able to see it and might crash into it. However, the miners' helmets should provide some protection against debris that falls from the skies.

RELATED NEWS: Miners' helmets cause brain damage says shock report . . . etc.

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.” 

Special relationship with US still intact says US Envoy. Whoopee do says UK.

An envoy for the Obama regime in Washington today reassured the British that the UK’s special relationship with the US is still intact. This is despite the UK Parliament spoiling all the fun and refusing to go to war yet again based on evidence published by CNN which made the US fairly confident Syria’s Assad probably might have used chemical weapons.

The UK had been under the impression that the millstone of being America’s only chum had passed to the French once the British had stopped doing everything the US told them to do.

It seemed only fair as the French can be quite annoying, although slightly surprising as everyone in Britain thought that France regarded America as annoying and not Britain as had once been the French custom.

A statement from a representative of the British said: “No, no it’s quite all right, we would not dream of coming between France and the US and we are quite happy for the French to go on being America’s friend. It could not have happened to a nicer nation and we wish both nations every happiness together. We’ll just soldier on alone and make the sacrifice of not being involved in any more wars if it helps the French be America’s pal.”

The French then issued their own statement: “No, no, we in France are quite happy for the Brits to have America back. We would not wish to stand in the way of Britain and the US stepping into the abyss together.”

To which the UK responded. “No, no we insist. If American doesn’t like us anymore, then who better for them to strike up a new bond with than France?”

And France replied. “This is very nice of the UK but we do feel that Britain was there first and we would not want to come between those two great but ultimately irritating nations who so deserve one another.”

In response, a communiqué from the UK has just been released: “The new bond between France and the US has only lasted a week. We feel the French should stick at it and give it some time . . . perhaps a century or two. We assure France that we are over the breakup now and wish France and America all the best as they embrace the future together.”

To which France replied. “Look, we insist that you take America back. . . . “

Etcetera

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.” 

Collateral Punishment for all: government to overhaul justice system

by Steve Cook

The government today announced plans to overhaul the justice system. The news comes in the wake of a nationwide survey that revealed alarming shortcomings in the current system. Responding to the news, ashen-faced Lord Justice Dredd said: “the current system is in dire need of change. It is riddled with loopholes that gravely restrict the freedoms of ordinary multinational corporations to kill people for their own good while at the same time enabling far too many people to get away with things they didn’t do. We simply cannot go on like this.”

The government plans to bring the country’s justice procedures up to speed with the 12th Century by introducing methods that have been found to be so successful in the field of international diplomacy. Innovative developments in international relations, pioneered by great minds such as the philosophers Genghis Khan and Attila the Democrat and exemplified by the US and other peace-loving empires have brought us many benefits such as peace being just over the horizon and increased profits for arms manufacturers and other humanitarian organisations.

Pioneered by the selfless diplomatic efforts of the US and UK in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq and so on, the new procedures will enable prosecutors to go straight from allegation to execution without the intervention of costly trials, presenting evidence and other unnecessary steps that only served to delay fast-tracking a guilty verdict.

Under the new system, Lord Dredd will assume the newly established post of Lord High Executioner (LHE). The post will include duties hitherto assigned to different people but which will now more conveniently accrue to the same person. These duties include the following functions:

• Counsel for the prosecution
• Weeding out evidence and other impediments to swift justice
• Judge
• Jury
• Executioner
• Media liaison

The post of counsel for the defence is to be abolished as unnecessary as it only gets people into endless arguments and invites mischievous demands for proof. In any case, it is self-evident that anyone really innocent would not have been accused of anything in the first place.

Lord Dredd’s duties will include a watchdog function in which he will scour the land for people he doesn’t like and then loudly suggest they might have done something. Formal charges will then be laid via the fiction department of Lord Dredd’s newly formed Media Liaison Office.

As people suggesting someone might have done something is all the evidence one really needs to be fairly certain that they probably did it, and as being accused of something is a sure sign of guilt, we will then be able to move straight to execution within days, thus saving everybody the hassle of having to think or the accused the trouble of having to attend a trial.

Expensive courts, court buildings and so forth will be abolished and a brief trial conducted in a “virtual unreality” world known as The Media specially fabricated from jigabytes of information streamed from such reliable sources as MI6, the CIA, Tel Aviv and Kiev, resources which we are lucky to have on account of their complete facelessness and reliability.

Articles in the press slagging off the accused, hitherto deemed prejudicial to justice, have been discovered to be all right after all and will now be treated as proof. Accused persons will be found guilty if the weight of media accusation establishes their guilt beyond reasonable thought.

Certain outmoded practices will now be phased out. Primary among these, for example, will be the notion that murder is unacceptable no matter who did it. Accused persons will be let off the hook if:

• They can show that someone else did the same thing or even worse.
• The victims or people in the vicinity of the victims really had it coming by virtue have having done something or their ancestors having done something any time over the past 2,000 years.
• They show remorse as evinced by such things as borrowing large sums of money from the IMF, ceasing to complain when democratically run over by a tank, donating all their worldly goods to a needy oligarch or can show they were funded by the CIA.

Successful prosecution will require.

1.  The weight of public opinion as to probable or even unlikely guilt or innocence, except where it disagrees with:
2. A decision by the LHE that the accused did it.
3. The weight of newspaper sound-bites saying he did it and
4. Er . . . that’s it.

Punishment of the guilty person will be swift and indiscriminate and preferably before anyone has to waste their time trying to work out whether the guilty person did it or not.

When someone is found guilty by weight of accusation, his family and neighbours will also be adjudged guilty by association (or geographic location) and subject to collateral punishment. The district in which the guilty person lives will be carpet bombed on the sound judicial principle that if you kill enough people you are quite likely to get the accused as well (unless he has moved) which, let’s face it, is the sort of vengeance that makes the hearts of men glow in the dark.

It should be born in mind as the scythe of justice sweeps the land (or someone else’s land) in an orgy of collateral punishment that in any case guilty people who probably were up to no good are very good at hiding in the place where they live and sneakily living next to people next door.

Apart from that is the fact that anyone sinister enough to be an innocent bystander or otherwise get in the way of the justice system’s Nerds-of the-Court and their blameless Missiles of Retribution is just asking for trouble. Besides, evil-doers are well known for their penchant for disguising themselves as innocent bystanders, children, pets and other agents of Beelezubub.

It is after all - as the philosopher Aristhrottle once pointed out -better to kill a hundred men on the off-chance they did something or were thinking about doing something than let one guilty man go free: there is no knowing what manner of harm he might then visit upon his fellow man.

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.” 

Hijacking -Latest

Police are working on the possibility that the hijacking of Flight America One with 50 States and one federal district on board was an inside job. The spotlight of suspicion shifted to the Board of the airline America Inc after a tip-off by 10 million bloggers.

The aircraft took off on a routine flight from Revolution to the Promised Land in 1787 and aside from encountering some turbulence around 1861, the crew reported no problems until it became evident something was amiss when it made unscheduled and inexplicable detours over Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Iraq, Libya, Oman, Chile, Angola, El Salvador, Nicaragua, Lebanon, Grenada, Honduras, Phillipines, Panama, Liberia, Kuwait, Somalia, Yugoslavia, Albania, Sudan, Yemen, Macedonia, Afghanistan, Colombia, Haiti and Pakistan.

It is believed the hijackers took over whilst the passengers were asleep and everyone awoke to find their constitution had been tossed overboard and their wallets had been emptied. One or two of the passengers managed to send messages of distress to the outside world via their iphones on Facebook and a desperate search is now on to find the missing constitution, although hope is diminishing that it will be found alive.

Reports suggest that many passengers were too stunned to react, some tried to pretend it wasn’t happening and continue watching the in-flight movie ("The President's Brain is Missing") others tried to join the hijackers, whilst others made a desperate attempt to take back the aircraft and were beaten up by the hijackers and some of the other passengers.

The hijackers are believed to be members of the notorious terrorist organisation MIC, which operates in 94 countries worldwide, is known to be active in at least 12 war zones and has been linked to at least 249,000 deaths in recent years. MIC may itself be linked in turn to Al Qaeda and other three-letter terrorist factions such as CIA, the IRS and CNN worldwide.

Investigating the possibility that the hijack may have been an inside job, with the board of America Inc now under investigation, detectives are following leads that suggest America One’s Captain, B Obama, may also be involved as he cooperated with the criminal gang with what some say was a “very unhealthy degree of enthusiasm”. It now appears that his passport and qualifications were forged and he may not even be qualified to fly an aircraft at all.

Motives for the hijacking are as yet unclear. 

They may be purely monetary as it is known that the leaders of MIC have an addiction to money but there are fears in some quarters as the flight makes yet another detour, this time over Syria, that this may be a suicide mission and the hijackers intend to crash the aircraft into China.

Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the characters and how it all linked together.”