Most of us struggle in vain to comprehend the motives behind
the inexplicable dislike of Britain and America shared by people all across the
Middle East (and the Far East, Near East, East Anglia and several neighbouring
planets).
It smacks, of course, of ingratitude after all we have done
for them in bringing them the benefits of peace, democracy and the miracles of
genetically modified politicians - not to mention relieving them of the burden
of natural resources which they never deserved to have in the first place.
But ingratitude, while it can be a powerful and often
beneficial motivator, is only part of the story.
Psychiatrists claim they have
identified an errant gene possessed by everybody that causes a mental illness
scientifically labelled ABSOD (Aversion to Being Shat On Disorder) a close cousin
of FOBSAD (Fear of Being Shot Aversion Disorder) which manifests as an
unreasoning and hysterical reaction to being culled or having a family member
democratically run over by a tank. The cure is thought to be giving lots of
money to pharmaceutical companies, a well-known panacea that is scientifically
proven to replace all known made-up mental disorders with a chemical
derangement of the brain – as well as helping the major shareholders of
pharmaceutical companies recover from ARS (Aversion to not being Rich
Syndrome).
But does this psychiatric theory really explain this
phenomenon despite the minutes of painstaking mental effort that went into
making it up? As psychiatric theory is not really so much about making sense of
a troubled world as drugging people so they’ll think the demented planet they
are living on is normal, it seems unlikely.
There is also the theory that all Muslims are genetically predisposed
to being terrorists at the slightest flimsy excuse such as having a few
peace-loving cruise missiles gate-crash their weddings, their front doors democratically
kicked in by storm troopers or their mosques playfully demolished. This is thought
to be a genetic phenomenon similar to the one that makes Western politicians
and news syndicates incapable of lying and many ordinary westerners incapable
of disbelieving anything they say.
But this gene theory might be cast ever so slightly in doubt
by a small but significant anomaly that sees a tiny minority of no more than 98%
of Muslims having never actually done anything more aggressive than shake their
fist at the TV during a CNN news broadcast.
There is also the possibility that Muslims may turn out in
fact to be human beings who don’t like being invaded and are not terrorists by
nature any more than Westerners are all tank drivers, arms manufacturers or
heavily armed mercenaries who spend their time shooting up the suburbs of
Middle Eastern cities.
However, Western policy makers are quick to pour scorn
on that idea, pointing to surveys that prove conclusively that 80% of all
Muslims quite like being invaded and are happy to be shot at if it is for
Democracy and don’t mind having their religious beliefs insulted either. This
just goes to show that you have to be careful about jumping to reasonable
conclusions because you can use evidence to disprove almost anything false.
So what then is the true source of this bizarre and
inexplicable attitude towards the kindest and most blameless nations on the
planet? It took one of America’s greatest and most astute statesmen, George
Bush, to finally point us all in the right direction. In his famous “speech-in-a-cowboy-hat”
at Warmongin Nebraska, entitled “Lucky for You We Were Here”, he revealed
something the rest of us had completely overlooked: that “the folks of them
there foreign countries is jealous of our way of life and all its many
benefications such as, er . . . me.”
When you look at it, it seems that Bush may have hit the
nail on the head. We are after all blessed with the most highly evolved form of
government in the history of the universe in which our democratically elected
leaders govern on behalf of the people – if you define “The People” as Multi
National Corporations and other grass roots criminal organisations. We do enjoy
many other benefications too such as highly evolved brain washing, expanding
illiteracy, flexible constitutions, freedom from deeply held beliefs, the
ability to drug our children, chips (both micro and potato) a healthy sense of
our own mortality and the futility of existence, food free from nutrition and
other additives plus a host of new and interesting glandular disorders.
We have many things that people all over the world sincerely
wish they had: their natural resources for one thing and advanced techniques
for waging wars that are conveniently situated on other people’s territory for
another. But we also have many other
benefits that accrue to those at the pinnacle of human social evolution: game
shows; pesticides; the deep spirituality of TV Evangelism (America) and Sunday
Shopping (UK); the freedom to leave all thinking to a person or persons
unknown; the right to elect people we know are complete twats, the advantages
of being able to drug our children . . . the list just goes on and on.
In all fairness, we have tried very hard to export these
benefits to the rest of the planet but do we get any thanks for it? It appears
not. Even our generous export of high-interest loans and high explosives has
not generated the paroxysms of gratitude we might reasonably expect.
Could it be then that envy of how great we are is what
drives half the planet to look on us with, at best, scorn and at worst a deeply
rooted hatred that spurs them to take up the arms we sold them and which they
bought with the loans our philanthropic banks so generously donated at
magnanimously high rates of interest and use them against us? Could it be
jealousy that prompts people to shoot back? Was World War Two in fact fought
because we (and not just our governments) were jealous of the Nazis?
We put it to the test. We carried out surveys that were
scientifically designed not to produce a predetermined result that backs up any
fibs we might be telling – and we’re not even lying about that one. Amazingly
our completely unbiased and not at all rigged surveys produced results that
prove beyond any reasoned argument or need for real evidence that public
opinion all across the Middle East completely justifies our messing people
about until the entire planet is run by George Soros from an oxygen tent in a
luxury fallout shelter on the shores of the Potomac.
Staggeringly, our surveys show that of the people who have
taken up arms against the freedom-loving West (and other lands where people
walk around with their hearts filled with the warm glow occasioned by an
un-abating love of freedom):
- 35% were totally jealous
- 30% were green with envy
- 15% were hoping for more CIA funding
20% don’t know why they did it but it just seemed like a
good idea at the time.
Steve Cook is the
author of the scifi spoof Genghis Kant
and other works of variously humorous or annoying works of fiction and
non-fiction.
