Government to Borrow Money to Get Out of Debt

by Steve Cook

The government today announced that it is “completely stumped” and unable to explain how the nation ended up with twice as much debt as there is actual money in existence.

However, a spokescretin, for the Treasury, Mr Sloe Deathby-Tax pointed out that this particular cloud in the overcast heavens does have a silver lining in that Great Britain is in fact doing a lot better than the United States, which has around three times as much debt as money.

“It is something about which everyone in these Sceptic Isles can feel justly smug.” he said.

The revelations were timed to coincide with the launch of a new initiative for tackling Britain’s mountain of debt. The Treasury has proudly announced revolutionary plans to follow the revolutionary plans of every country in Europe and “borrow lots more money” so as to get the nation out of debt.

The government is optimistic that this strategy, unlike the other 142 exact same times it has been tried before, will probably work so long as the natural laws of the universe are suspended for a while.

But just in case it doesn’t work (or as some experts put it: certainly won’t) contingency plans are in place. Central to these plans is the revolutionary new idea of persuading America to have another war and then helping her out by playing a key supporting role such as doing as we are told, making the sandwiches and so forth.

While this won’t work either and will undoubtedly have the opposite effect of getting us deeper into debt, it does have the virtue of keeping millions of people’s minds off the inevitable bankruptcy proceedings and the arrival of bankers to confiscate the national infrastructure.

Global Shortage Threatens the Economy

by Steve Cook

The government was left reeling with shock today, its plans for economic recovery in tatters, with the discovery of a global shortage of ruthless dictators.

The ruthless dictator scarcity looks set to hit the economy of the United States the hardest, as it relies on a regular supply of demented megalomaniacs to keep the wheels of industry turning.

The British Secretary for Peace-loving Invasions, Joe Stalin (92) explained to an ashen-faced press gathering this morning:

“After endless minutes of research by dedicated researchers at the US-based CIA (Center for International Anarchy) it has been proven that the only workable basis ever found for economic vitality in an open democracy is laying waste to the planet. This natural resource, known as “war” in its pure form, is in increasingly short of supply as the world runs low on reserves of people willing to slaughter one another for no good reason. For dredging up that scarce resource, we rely on a good portion of the planet being managed by sociopathic loonies of our choosing.”

Reportedly the US feels particularly hurt and let down by Iran’s refusal to bow to international pressure and build nuclear weapons or even pretend that it is despite being told to by the US and by the stubborn refusal of President Assad in Syria to frighten everybody by being guilty of something he didn’t do.

With these set-backs, it is said, goes the West’s hope of a swift end to the crisis.

Without the help and reliable ill will of such economic partners, major domestic industries that produce commodities vital for the maintenance of a civilised standard of living for the shareholders of peace-loving multinational corporations everywhere, such as tanks, land mines and exploding vests, will grind to a halt.

Western nations may be forced to resort to make-work industries turning out frivolous products such as shoes and spoons for people who don’t really deserve them in order to keep billions of people in work.

Meanwhile, fringe scientists are developing alternative technologies that is hoped will stave off the end of civilization as we know it. Many are claiming that controversial developments that convert human energy into land husbandry, not blowing things (or people) up or even not drugging everyone into a stupor may be the answer. But such proposals are regarded by as being unscientific in that they violate basic physics as such as the Law of Conservation of Wealth, Every Hostile Action has an Equal and Opposite High Explosive Device and other fundamentals of the universe. Their proponents are consequently dismissed as crackpots by the Society for Building Lots of Missiles, the Napalm and Sulphur Gas Foundation, Mossad and other not-at-all-demented people.

The news, though, is dire for the US subsidiary, Great Britain. Leaders of our beloved Constitutional Democracy fear that deliveries of munitions and high explosives to the Middle East and the Third World will grind to a halt and that the Banking Sector will be hit hard by a lack of people borrowing money to rebuild cities democratically demolished by said high explosives. Moreover, it is feared that a shortage of ruthless dictators will deny the British government the right to strut about the planet looking really hard armed only with the American war machine.

The largest domestic employer in the US also announced it may have to lay off millions of workers. The Homeland Security conglomerate, which employs 149 million otherwise unemployable people in 246 intelligence agencies (the so-called “3 letter” agencies such as the CIA, FBI, NSA, KGB, PMS, OTT, QED, AAA, LBJ and RSS) may have to lay off most of its work-force. This in turn will produce a downward pressure on wages in other sectors such as private detectives, private security firms, psychiatrists, PTSD drug manufacturers, bounty hunters, whistleblowers and memoir-writers.

A memorandum leaked in Washington suggests that the US, right out of ideas, is looking to other, as yet untried avenues to make up for the threat of a catastrophic outbreak of not invading anybody.

With the discovery by the Hubble telescope of life on the fourth planet orbiting the nearby star Proxima Centauri, the world’s first interstellar ship, the Armageddon, is hurriedly being kitted out and a forty-thousand-man crew trained for the nine hundred year voyage to “establish peaceful relations with our interstellar neighbours.”

Its cargo of torpedoes, space-to-ground strategic missiles (the so-called “smug” bomb) and high-orbit bombers are said to be “just a precaution” in case the inhabitants of the new planet take exception to the good will mission walking off with their natural resources