The scientific community has been left reeling
in shock at the discovery. Thought to be the most amazing revelation since as long
ago as this morning, the existence of Amazonian tribal leader Ktesippemay may force
us to re-evaluate everything we thought we knew about human history.
It is a revelation on a par with last week’s
announcement that researchers discovered the so-called “Barratt Homes” stele deep
under the base of the Great Pyramid at Giza or the earlier photo released by
NASA of an abandoned Tesco trolley in the Sea of Tranquillity on the Moon (see picture).
But is this just a hoax fabricated by terrorist
groups? Are such groups seeking thereby to undermine the NSA’s reputation for thoroughness
in harvesting information vital to the insecurity of the entire planet, such as
knowing whenever anyone in any hotbed of sedition - such as the Northern
Hemisphere, Southern Hemisphere and so on - goes to the loo or eats Brussels
Sprouts?
There was only one way to find out and in the
hope of meeting the legendary Ktesippemay, this reporter rushed to the darkest
depths of the Amazon Rainforest, to a village in Rondônia whose name must be withheld
for security reasons.
After a five day trek through the jungle
equipped only with a hovercraft, a Black and Decker strimmer and an ipod, I made my way to a village so
remote you cannot even find it on Googlemaps or the A-Z of the Rainforest (2010
edition).
At the end of my journey I came upon a
settlement almost completely isolated from civilisation, a huddle of mud huts with
stone tools and vintage-1990s surveillance cameras. Yet remarkably, the tiny
village manages to survive without modern medicine, vitamin deficiencies or
juvenile delinquency, something thought impossible by multinational corporations
everywhere.
It was there that I did indeed meet the
legendary Ktesippemay and can confirm that he does exist. He is also well
miffed.
Indeed, he is close to being traumatised by
the experience of being the only man on Earth overlooked by the NSA. Thought to
be suffering from a rare psychiatric disorder known as SODS (Spied-on Deficiency
Syndrome) the symptoms of which include being invisible to spy satellites and
not having a Facebook account, an angry Ktesippemay expressed his intention to
call Barak Obama and subject him to verbal abuse until fobbed off by the
traditional platitudes and fibs. He fully intends to strongly express his humiliation
and hurt as soon as the village has access to the “magic tellingbone”, his word
for the ipods, ipads and p-pods all westerners use as a substitute for social
interaction.
He explained that as the Head Man of his
tribe he demands to be treated with the same disrespect as national leaders
across the world. Without it, he finds it difficult if not impossible to hold
his head high as the leader of his tribe.
Mr Ktesippemay went on to elaborate that it
seriously undermines his credibility in so far as the oversight makes him look
like a “right plonker” (loosely translated from the local Maxakalían dialect)
and he cannot hope to maintain the respect of his people without the customary
mud hut bugging, subdermal implant, gaps in his memory or the presence of a
fashionable barcode tattoo just under the hair line.
An ashen-faced spokesperson for the NSA, Janet
Leaksmother, issued a statement saying the Agency was at a loss to explain the
oversight, especially as every care was taken to be thorough and “leave no
human right unturned” in the admittedly pointless quest for eternal dominion over
the Earth.
With NSA agents now outnumbering the global population
by a ratio of almost two to one, questions are being asked on Capitol Hill as
to whether some of the 16 trillion dollar monthly NSA budget may have been frittered
away on not reporting to the President what someone is doing.
The President is thought to have reacted furiously
when he was told that someone was walking around without his knowledge and his
security staff are worried that an unwatched Mr Ktesippemay could at any moment
and without warning have chucked a spear through the living room window of the Whitehouse.
The NSA meanwhile is at pains to reassure the
public that despite this remarkable lapse in vigilance, its efforts to have the
movements or non-movements of everyone monitored by nerds in Washington have
produced a “rich harvest of intelligence information”.
They cite the discovery, a culmination of
many years of dedicated effort, of the remarkable fact that most of the world’s
population does not, for some reason, like the American government. This
astoundingly truculent attitude prevails despite its strenuous efforts to be
really popular through the export of high explosives, teaching world leaders
how to sing from the same song sheet, vastly expanding the car parking space in
cities across the Middle East, deposing despots installed by the CIA and many
other humanitarian efforts.
Steve Cook is the author of Genghis Kant, a
tongue-in-cheek sci fi spoof. See a current
newspaper review here. Visit the Genghis Kant
on Facebook for a free copy of Steve's latest story "Spilt
Milk" of which one reader said: “Loved the Spilt Milk story. Loved the
characters and how it all linked together.”
