A government spokesperson has predicted that World War Three will be fought and won from a laptop in a bedsit in Melton Mowbray.
This follows an earlier report in www.telegrapaph.co.uk/news on 9/1/13 in which the Commons Defence Committee warned a shocked and armchair-bound nation that, “The armed forces are now so dependent on information technology that their ability to operate could be ‘fatally compromised’ by a sustained cyber attack.”
The committee had decided to believe evidence that entire combat units, such as aircraft and warships, could be rendered completely dysfunctional by a cyber attack. In such an attack an enemy, operating from a laptop in a terrorist stronghold such as the Eastern Hemisphere, Southern Hemisphere (except Tasmania) or Melton Mowbray could penetrate radar or satellites to create a "deceptive picture" in the military command structure (which has never had one of those before) while the increased use of unmanned drones and battlefield robots potentially add to the vulnerability.
Accordingly, experts are currently watching the Star Wars prequels and old episodes of “Dr Who and the Cybermen” for tips on how to counter this threat.
This is reportedly the culmination of the Defence Ministry’s long and often bloody struggle to liberate taxpayers’ money from the clutches of the Education Department, Health Ministry and other terrorist organisations – the so-called War on Not Having Lots of Money.
A key strategy of this long and arduous campaign is winning the hearts and minds of people who might otherwise have frittered away millions of pounds on food, shoes and their mortgages. Vital to making that “hearts and minds” strategy a success has been to deploy a tactic the experts are calling “frightening the bejeezus out of everybody by inventing yet another invisible lurking menace.”
Earlier invisible lurking red herrings such as Satan and Communism have proven a disappointment that hardly justified the expense of creating them or even burning heretics. Indeed, they inexplicably and embarrassingly expired (except Satan) just when everyone had been told they were going to take over the world.
The currently fashionable invisible lurking menaces such as the flu, mental illness, the weather and terrorism have also failed to live up to the hopes of many people in government and other crime syndicates, on account of completely failing to kill enough people despite all the help they have been given.
The Ministry of Warmongering’s Department of Scaremongering has done its best in recent years with scant resources but these projects have largely failed and Britons - unlike the Americans whose military spending has ensured no-one is safe - have been deprived of the terror and sense of foreboding that is their birthright.
Cases in point are Saddam Hussein, who completely forgot to have any Weapons of Mass Destruction and Osama Bin Liner who went and died twenty years before he became an international celebrity running a global terror network armed only with a beard and CIA funding. Both completely neglected to live up to all the advertising done on their behalf across the Western World and other hotbeds of sedition.
Currently, Iran has also let a lot of people down by refusing to build any nuclear weapons despite being told to by America and this has completely ruined Israel’s plans to have the US turn Iran into a car park for its tanks and similar weapons of peace.
The advent of unmanned drones controlled by a Nintendo Gameboy from a condominium on the shores of the Potomac in Washington DC and thoroughly tested on bus queues and wedding parties across Pakistan and similar military testing sites, has shown a great deal of promise.
These drones hold out the hope of a great saving on military spending by allowing the government to avoid the cost of drugging its soldiers.
The recent incident in which a drone headed for Pakistan blew a circuit and chased a Morris Minor for ten miles along the M6 in Shropshire is no cause for concern says the Ministry for Hysteria. The Morris Minor in question escaped unharmed when the drone veered off and proceeded to strafe Leamington Spa instead. In the ensuing carnage no-one important was killed before the crisis was brought to a swift end when an operative at the GCHQ centre near Cheltenham managed to press ctrl-alt-delete in the nick of time.
The Ministry spokesperson said that the government can assure in no uncertain terms anyone who harbours the deluded notion that military weapons are dangerous that this is probably untrue. Modern weapons are entirely fuelled by Mendacity a propellant well known for its power to galvanise inanimate object such as presidents as well as fully biodegradable plutonium. Thus, according to scientifically drafted press releases, they are 100% safe – unless you are the person they are pointed at or anyone within a five mile radius of the target. But then anyone foolish enough to be an innocent bystander is just asking for trouble.
Yet this promising development in the campaign to have carnage and mayhem fully automated is now threatened by the efforts of The Enemy to develop software designed to spoil everybody’s fun.
The identity of The Enemy is thus far a secret and must remain completely fabricated for security reasons. It will remain so at least until someone real can be found to first annoy and then sell weapons to.
Whoever it possibly is or might turn out to probably be, they are certain according to my sources to be (a) invisible (b) lurking and (c) funded by the CIA.
However, some sources are warning that we can expect a full-on cyber attack “sooner rather than later” or even “eventually” and that hordes of computer nerds armed with battle-ready iPods are at this very moment massing on our borders.
The country will be therefore be placed on a war footing, or indeed thin ice, and the Ministry of Information plans to get the whole population into the spirit of things (mainly fear) by following successful actions first deployed in World War Two , such as plastering the country with posters bearing such legends as “Keep Calm and Carry on Doing Nothing” and “Careless Posting on Facebook Costs Lives” with stiff penalties such as public blogging for people who betray their country by suggesting we should try not to kill anybody – something which is known to be impossible in any case.
Meanwhile, researchers commissioned by the military are working flat out to develop revolutionary new technology to counter the threat to freedom occasioned by the swiftly developing cyber threat. These new advanced strategies will include:
- Banning cyber threats.
- Fining anyone who googles the location of our military installations or nuclear submarines.
- Blowing up Google.
- Having troops equipped with paper and pens – and having schools teach children how to spell or write.
- Having the military cease to issue battle orders by text or email.
- Demanding that troops on the battlefield have their mobiles switched off.
- Introducing the telephone.
- Training all military personnel in how to look out of the window to find out what is going on.
- Re-introducing shouting.
Making cyber threats, hacking and starting wars are not mental illnesses say psychiatrists, whereas being shy, childish or active are symptoms of being completely deranged . . .See page 109
Latest surveys reveal that people don’t mind being blown up if it’s in a good cause. See p. 11
The police are hunting the people responsible for the latest botched assassination attempt on the Prime Minister. Seeking a motive for the attack, the spotlight of suspicion has fallen upon factions disgruntled with government policy. Police therefore wish to interview 64 million suspects. See page 10004
Steve Cook is the author of "Genghis Kant", "The Cutter Files" and other books, humorous or otherwise.