He explained
that the government’s strategy for economic recovery, once hailed as a
“veritable Titanic of fiduciary wisdom” is to be abandoned. This policy is predicated on the scientific
theory that if you reward people for not working by giving them billions of dollars
everything will be all right. While many say that two hundred years is not long
enough to test any policy and a couple of thousand would be more appropriate in
that it gives plenty of time for a miracle to occur and the natural laws of the
universe to spontaneously change, the government is having second thoughts.
The
about-turn is believed by some to have been catalysed by a series of relatively
minor events such as a declaration of independence by Texas and food riots in
Chevy Chase, Maryland but the government cites the latest research that
uncovered a previously hidden economic principle: that the wealth of a nation
is somehow linked to producing goods and services and not, as previously
thought, saddling producers with large amounts of tax and debt.
Surprising
as the discovery may have been, the government nevertheless acted with
customary speed to spare its citizens unnecessary hardship, taking only a
hundred and fifty years to affect the necessary course changes. Mr Pickings
explained that the previous policy had “on reflection proven a bit
disappointing if you are, as are some in government, in favour of everyone not getting
poorer (except the recipients of the aforementioned billions anyway).”
The allied
theory espoused by the Attila The Economist school of economics, that putting
criminals in charge of the entire money supply will result in a fair and
prosperous economy, is also now thrown in doubt although its proponents claim
that an economy that actually works is just around the corner. The “corner” in
this case is thought to be as mere three hundred years.
Pickings
further explained that whilst a charitable stance towards the democratic rights
of needy and deprived sectors of the community has been a matter of justifiable
pride for politicians, congressional committees, lobbyists and other ordinary
Americans, there are now serious doubts as to whether supplying money on demand
to “scroungers and layabouts” has been an entirely good idea.
According to
the latest report entitled “Discovering the Friggin’ Obvious” a serious
drawback of the scheme, in which millions of blank checks were donated to
worthy causes such as the IMS (International Money Speculators Benevolent Fund)
and Help the Aged Rothschild, has come to light: economists noticed that it operated
in the manner of a vacuum cleaner that hoovered all the money out of people’s
wallets and deposited it in the bank accounts of twelve needy families living
in deprived areas such as the Seychelles, Cayman Islands and Israel. The twelve
families cannot be named at this time for security reasons but are thought to
be living in large houses and on a diet of caviar and cocaine at the tax
payers’ expense.
“After
giving the scheme two hundred years to prove its worth and encouraged by armed
uprisings in which millions of middle class revolutionaries left angry comments
on Facebook and had to be calmed down by midnight visits from goodwill squads
of armed NSA counsellors, we have decided that enough might at this stage be
enough.” Mr Pickings announced. “Henceforth, it will be government policy not
to hand over money willy nilly to people no-questions-asked just because they
threaten to collapse the economy or blackmail the President into starting World
War Three.”
It is
expected that new criteria will be established, which must be met before anyone
is handed all the money in the Treasury. Primary among these will be a solemn
promise to keep the economy from collapsing and keeping us all in a state of
preparedness for war without actually starting one – at least not a really big
one as small ones are thought to be more environmentally friendly.
Many
organisations dedicated to protecting the right of anyone with pots of cash to
get hold of even more believe that this may bring real hardship to hard-pressed
families with private armies and expensive politicians to support. It may force
them to tighten their belts and abandon the vital necessities they have so long
enjoyed at public expense, such as fortified penthouses and the natural
resources of Africa.
But the
government is unrepentant, pointing out that encouraging indolence has
virtually institutionalised some families and made them intractably dependent
on handouts and unable to stand on their own two feet.
One family
for instance, the Rockercenters of New York, have just entered the Guinness
Book of Records for having not produced anything of value to man or beast for
two hundred unbroken generations stretching back to the time of the Pharaoh Aakheperre
Pasebakhenniut I. Yet a visit to any one of their three hundred and twenty nine
hovels scattered across the Northern hemisphere reveals that they have
nevertheless enjoyed a lavish lifestyle at public expense, raising large unruly
families whose children grow up to worship Satan or enter criminal careers such
as politics, banking and corporate piracy.
The so-called
“Boat People” is another case in point. These families are forced to live
crowded into luxury yachts anchored offshore from squalid shanties in such
hellholes as Mantauk, Fort Lauderdale and Monaco. However, things are destined
to become a lot worse for this deprived sub-class as the government cuts the
purse strings and casts them adrift to fend for themselves without any useful
skills apart from shovelling money about.
Mr Pickings
also pointed out that forcing truckloads of money on people without requiring
them to earn it is not doing them any favours. The recipients of handouts
invariably suffer low self-esteem and can been seen congregating in desultory
gangs around politicians, casinos such as the New York Stock Exchange and crime
hotspots such as Capitol Hill.
Many suffer
from mental illnesses such as CGD (Compulsive Genocide Disorder) which has
reached epidemic proportions among people whose bank balance has reached ten times
their brain cell count. They then throw money at groups of similarly mentally
ill people who form cults such as one known as “The Psychiatrists” who believe
that the human brain has evolved over billions of years into needing drugs to
make it work properly and that everybody (except psychiatrists) is completely
mad.
Another cult
formed by CGD sufferers is that of Gill Bates, the one-time founder of the
MicroVirus Corporation, and his wife Vampira. The Bates are thought by police
to be extremely unhinged, as evinced by their avowed intent to kill five
billion people. This naturally encourages the nation’s scroungers to throw
their handouts at them just for a laugh or on the basis that finding something
useful to do has a serious drawback in that it requires from the outset an
interest in doing something useful. To be fair though, the Bates do not propose
killing anybody along racist or sexist lines and are relatively non-discriminatory.
Said by many
to be the most stupid people in the world, they are founders of a cult known as
the New Ghoul Movement. Supported by thousands of people who don’t mind being
culled by vaccines containing ocelot spit and plutonium – and indeed can be
quite enthusiastic about the whole idea of enlightened genocide if Bates says
it is a Good Thing - the movement advocates solving all the world’s problems by
killing everybody (except Gill and Vampira Bates, Henry Kissinger and anyone
with the surname Rothschild).
Others among
these co-called scroungers and parasites, with no worthwhile purpose in life
except spending their handouts, form gangs and crime syndicates with names like
“The Illuminati” the “The Bilderbergers” or “The Council on Foreign Relations”
which then while away their idle hours playing war games with real countries or
Russian Roulette with the food chain. It is believed though that many are
becoming hooked on video games involving drones operated from laptops on the
shores of the Potomac, with points scored by killing so-called “people” in
Pakistan.
These proliferating
gangs bring terror to various once-respectable neighbourhoods, which quickly
descend into lawlessness and crime. One gang, known as “The Zionists”, recently
took over a neighbourhood known as Palestine, rendered it a no-go area for
anyone with common sense by building a wall around it and renamed it Israel.
Others have descended
into drugs trafficking, bankrolling gangs known colloquially as “The
Manufacturers”. These gangs command an army of pushers known as “The Doctors”
and will stop at nothing to extend their evil empires, targeting children as
young as 5 by pretending they have a made-up illness called ADHD and then
offering them drugs that will “make them feel a lot better the way heroin does” or simply “really
cool like all their friends and parents.”
The
government is proposing to build “resettlement camps” into which all such
scroungers and professional non-producers can be rounded up, persuaded to hand
back all their money to the three hundred million or so people from which it
was stolen, retrained in useful skills such as carpentry and flower arranging
and put through a rehabilitation programme that will gradually reacquaint them
with the human race.
Either that
or they will be culled, a measure that many believe will completely restore the
fortunes of the human race.
